3 ... 2... 1... Liftoff

Actually its more like 'Letdown'. My tenure as an undergrad is drawing to a close, and I have mixed feelings about this. One the one hand, I am dying to be done with school so I can get back in the mix and do a lot of things that I just can't afford. The basement needs to be finished. I need new musical equipment. My kids need new clothes and braces and culture. I would like my oldest to play piano, my middle one to dance, and my baby boy looks like he'd make a fine drummer, judging by the way he beats up on the furniture around here. I'd like to take my wife somewhere nice for our 11th anniversary, which is coming up soon. So, although money can't buy you happiness, there are a few things it can do to enhance the lives of my family members. But on the other hand... I've got a sinking feeling that I can't describe. Perhaps I'm suffering from Senior's Malaise. Whatever it is, I feel like crap, nearly all the time. I'm still having lingering eye problems, and I am slacking my way toward graduation. For example, I'm 140 pages behind in my reading for my Religion and Philosophy course, with comparable numbers of lag in my other courses. This sucks. I've got to suck it up and focus. But I just don't feel like it anymore. I just want to sleep for a week. I've got 3 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day until I done that cap and gown. I should be happy and elated, yet I'm dissatisfied with just about every aspect of myself. Yeah, I think malaise does fit. I should stop blogging and catch up on my reading, but the reading invariably puts me to sleep. But I can't afford to sleep, cause I've got too much work to do. This is a struggle that goes nowhere. I'm spinning in futile circles, gaining no ground. I just have to weather this. I know I can't stay like this for too long.

This too, shall pass.

It has to.

No Title (I can't even take full credit for this)

Do not care for doctrines,
do not care for dogmas,
or sects,
or churches,
or temples;

they count for little compared
with the essence of existence in each of us,
which is spirituality...

Earn that first,
acquire that,
and criticize no one,
for nearly all doctrines and creeds have some good in them

Look within
and then without
insperience life
and experience living

Esta lloviendo

I put down the Software Engineering book because it is so dull and boring that I might easily have drifting into sleep unawares. So I switched to Spanish, and while tweaking my vocabulario, I thought of an old friend I haven't thought of in years. Her name was Sonia Hernandez, and she was in my squadron back when I was in the Navy. I was a young E4, new to the shop (I was an electrician) after spending an eternity in 'the Line'. Hernandez was this young, skinny, stoner chick who also happened to be an electrician. She was so spacy, I wondered how she made it through electrician school. I ended up taking her and some other people under my wing, trying to turn raw recruits into squared-away, top-notch sailors. Of course, this was difficult for me because I was a little bit of a slacker back then (unlike now) and I had to often push myself harder than I normally would because they were very impressionable. Anyway, Sonia was the only female among that class of sailors I tried to mold into my very image, and she's the only one I remember. She was about as un-Hispanic as you could think of -she was thoroughly a white girl, with no vestiges of her Latina heritage remaining. She only dated white guys, and one weekend, she went off and married one that she had been seeing for a while. Crazy. She was cool though. I don't know what happened to her, because I left the squadron in less than a year, but for some reason, my Spanish book made me think of her and all the crazy conversations we had while sitting on top of an aircraft in 110 degree weather. Sonia, if you're out there, I hope you are happy, still married, and have a house full of love and laughter.

The Scourge of the Ignorant

I am struggling to control myself, but alas, I have already failed. In my Religion, Philospohy and Ethics course I have had to check some people rather forcefully for their rather backward comments on this week's current topic, "Does God exist?" Of course, the most backward and embarrassing comments are being made by Christians. Arrrrrrgh!!! My friend Jalana told me a few weeks ago, "It's the Christians that make you want to cuss." True dat. These people make themselves as individuals an Christians as a collective look pitiful, pathetic and foolish. I don't like to flash on people, but hey, a man's got to follow his convictions. I am just really sick of listening to fools spew their nonsense and just rolling my eyes and keeping quiet. So I have unleashed the beast. The requirements of the discussion (which is being conducted online in a forum setting that each class member may post to and reply to other's posts as well) are to argue for or against the existence of God using "impartial and unemotional, deliberate and considered reasoning." But of course, there was immediately a flood of "You need to trust in Jesus because the Bible says to" and "I believe and I God and I don't have to proof it. I have faith." Well shoot. That's all well and good in church on Sunday ("Giving honor to God, who is the head of my life...") but this is higher education here. Can you break out of dogma and sentimentalism for a minute, please?! This is why religion causes so much trouble in the world. Not because the religions require conflict, but because their adherents (on all sides, I'm sure) are often so simple minded and obnoxious that they react badly and any dialogue becomes a monologue. Jesus, help us. This is a crappy post. I'm just frustrated. It's 2 in the morning and I am trying to get all my work done while my kids are in the 'angelic mode'. But these crackpots are ruining what could easily be the most stimulating course I've had in years.

So Gone

After a long and bizzarre tenure, I have left the choir at my church. It was a weird experience. I'm rather disappointed at myself for not being able to come up with a better adjective, being a writer and all, but weird will just have to do. It was weird. The experience taught me a lot about myself, organized religion, Christians, leadership, performing, hypocrisy, excellence, mediocrity, commitment, beauty, improvising and worship. I have been privileged to sing alongside some truly excellent singers, like Donnie McClurkin. It's all good. I wanted to maintain a separate blog only for choir related ruminations, but that fizzled. I can't keep up with one blog, how was I going to handle two?

Anyway, I'm out, liberated, free. Free to drown myself in this big push I've already explained. I need the extra time in my schedule, and despite what people say, something had to give, and that something was the choir. What do I have in my life? I have my family, my education, and my business, which is coming along quite nicely. Which of these can I forsake for the sake of the choir? Exactly. People have said, "But it's for the Lord." Well, the Lord can hear me singing in my office, or in the shower, or walking down an aisle at Walmart. Definitely in the car. If the Lord wants to hear me sing, He won't have to look too far. I love when people try to spiritualize things. No, the Lord did not descend from heaven and tell me to leave. Nor did he send a heavenly host, burning bush, or terrifying dream. He gave me a mind, and the ability to evaluate, and the strength to make decisions and live with the consequences. So enough is enough. I didn't join because God said, "Get thou thee into yea choir, and make a joyful noise unto me!" I joined because the music pastor at the time, Terrell Taylor, said that the choir needed 'a few good men', and that any men who could sing should come out. It was sadly obviously, with 17 women and two guys that the men needed some help. So I stepped in to help. No fasting, no praying, no vision quest. I must be the worst Christian EVER!

As a youth I sang in church choirs in Danville and Springfield. I sang in chorus in junior high and high school. We won state competitions at both levels. I sang in the Navy choir. I was even the director of the Navy choir at one point, but I got demoted for not being 'gung-ho enough' -what can I say. I have a decent musical background, I knew I could be an asset, so I became an asset. And it was weird. I saw up close and personal how people could be so petty and carnal over who gets to hold the microphone. I saw up close and personal how people could get free of their misery and bondage through praise and worship. I met kind and wonderful people and petulant divas that made me want to wretch.

I guess you could say I saw it all,
But now I see no more.

And I'm cool with that.