Knot Afrayed

RAD, SCHMAD!!!

2011-10-20T00:50:00.003-04:00

I know I should be in bed, but I am waiting for the iOS 5 upgrade to finish installing on the iPad, so I am stuck here, watching the status bar. I figured, why don't you write something in that anemic blog of yours. Well, sure, why not? Is there anything better I could be doing right now, besides sleeping? Anyone who knows me knows I have been an insomniac since at least my college years in Champaign, so why fight it. Just type, and express yourself.

Today, what stuck out to me is how we misapply the RAD concept. RAD stands for Rapid Application Development, which is supposed to mean a new(ish) method of cutting through the standard SDLC and going from wishlist to functioning solution in a nibmle, efficient manner. One would think that leaving the I/S oasis to found my own kingdom/fiefdom in the desert would be liberating enough - no more of the farce of TRMM project management, no more CMMI forest-killing documentation, and yes Lord, no more Rational ClearCase/ClearQuest. Glory!! However, this is not all there is to whittling away all the excess, and arrive at something leaner, cleaner and meaner. I think in some respects, the baby has been thrown out with the bathwater, and, as originally stated, some elements of the RAD concept are misapplied. My iPad is not upgraded, so I am stopped, just as I was getting warmed up. Yes, this can serve as a proper introduction to a what will likely be a series of blogs on what RAD is and isn't. Goodnight, my friends.

Quote of the Day

2011-03-14T06:40:00.003-04:00

This is from Microsoft SQL Server 2005: Database Essentials Step by Step, by Solid Quality Learning:

"The importance of analysis cannot be over-emphasized. Your first and primary objective is to know your business and design a model that appropriately describes your business data and procedures. You database system will be limited by your design and will inherit any problems built into that design that are caused by a lack of understanding of your business needs."

I was rereading this trusty companion just to make sure I hadn't drifted away from sound doctrine, and this passage's relevance to my current project hit me quite forcefully. We are relying on contracted consultants to design and develop a system for us based on proprietary technology that we do not fully understand. I think this is not the best approach, but I am not in a position to make such calls, and at any rate, it's too late to call the cattle back to the barn.

I just have a feeling I will be pointing to this quote in the lessons learned phase of this project. When asked why we paid so much for a system that doesn't address our needs, I will point them here, and bite my tongue.

New Year, Same Resolutions

2011-01-03T23:05:00.002-05:00

Every year people attempt to reinvent themselves through the ritual of New Years. It's an arbitrary edifice, a contrived construction, born out of both hope and desperation. Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we set ourselves up to fail?

My Resolutions
----
Walk in love
Manifest the fruit of the spirit
Get more sleep (I think getting 6 hours a night is a good start)
Exercise consistently (at least three times a week)
Watch what I eat (this mainly deals with refined sugars)
Put a serious dent into this book you are trying to write
Collect all your poems, lyrics and short stories into a single notebook
Manage finances better
Continue to organize yourself
Be more productive
Read 24 books this year
Beat 12 video games (and don't buy another game until at least July)

This is quite ambitious, but I will not fail.

Epiphany

2010-07-14T19:17:00.001-04:00

The only way I know how to live
is to kill myself every day.

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Test

2010-06-25T17:29:00.001-04:00

I just downloaded an app for the Droid that will let me post to my blog from my phone. How sick is that. Let's see if it works (although the idea of lengthy ruminations on this little keypad is... yeesh).

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A Father is a Father, and a Mother is a Mother

2009-06-21T13:09:00.004-04:00

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there, from my own father, Joseph Jenkins (AKA Mobarez Abdul), to all the other fathers out there.

I hate to be the one to do this, but I feel a strong compulsion to make the argument I am about to make. As texts and phone calls pour in from around the globe, and wellwishers using all manner of new media (Facebook, Twitter, IM, etc.) give me encouragement, praise and support, I see the occasional "Happy Father's Day also to all the single moms out there doing it by themselves." I tensed at the first text I read with this idea, but quickly relaxed and went about my business. When I logged in to my beloved Facebook, I saw many of these types of posts. It is an itch that must be scratched. I clearly have a problem with this.

First of all, a little background. My mother was a single parent for most of my childhood. Even when she remarried, it was painfully obvious that our stepfather was interested in her, but not her three children. She got very little support from him when it came to child-rearing. My paternal grandmother was also a single parent, raising five children on her own, and is, as you might expect, a very strong woman for having gone through the experience. So I believe I am not just talking about things just to be talking. So here goes...

A woman who does the mom things and the dad things with her child or children is not both mother and father. She is mother raised to another power. No matter how good she is, no matter how good a job she does, she cannot fill the void the missing father has left. My mother did a phenomenal job with us, I think. We grew up in severe poverty, but she never let us internalize that ghetto mentality. We are all self sufficient and well socialized. But as a young man, I was filled with intense anger towards my father for not being there. It took a long time to resolve. It has shaped my behavior in attitudes in ways I probably do not realize. My mother was not both mother and father. I still needed my father.

It's weird, because I know his father was not there for him. You would think he would not want the cycle to continue. But it did. For whatever reasons, he was not in my life (or in my siblings lives') the way we needed him to be, and it has left us all affected in different ways. Does this diminish the absolutely outstanding job my mom did? No. It shows just how drastically, how desperately we need fathers. How desperately we need both parents in our lives.

I remember when my father's father died, I was asking my dad, and my aunts and uncles if they were they going to the funeral. They were unanimous in their refusals. They were unanimous in their resolve. He wasn't there for them in life, why should they be compelled to be there for him in death? They still carried residual damage from his absence, all those years ago. I know my granny, and she is a tough as they come. As loving and dedicated and protective as any mother could be. But all of her grand gifts could not obliterate the need for the man of the house to actually be in the house doing the hard and inglorious work of raising his children by her side. No matter how hard she worked, how much she sacrificed, she was not both mother and father. She was mother, going above and beyond.

I have limited experience being a single parent (my wife is in graduate school in a separate state, and is gone for sometimes weeks at a time). But I don't look at the time when I am braiding my daughters' hair, helping them with their homework, cooking for them, etc. as being mommy and daddy. I'm just daddy, busting my tail. No matter how hard I work, I can never negate their need for their mother. They need us both. Fortunately, children that have both never realize how desperate this need is. Unfortunately, there are far too many children who are missing one or the other, and it is usually the father.

I fear that this tendency we have to celebrate single parents as both mother and father leads us to false conclusions. To paraphrase Jill Scott, the fact is... we need each other. We need fathers and mothers to sublimate their own needs, wants, desires and aspirations for the sake of the children. One parent is never enough, if we are honest. Can we get by on one, of course, but should we be so nonchalant about it? It needs to be much less commonplace than it is. It needs to be the exception and not the rule.

Wishing mothers a 'Happy Father's Day' subtly minimizes the father's impact on his offspring through their entire lives. It is crucial that we get men to understand how important they are to our families. Rationalizing that women can just "double up" on the responsibilities and everything will be fine is dangerous and foolish. A parent who is not a constant in a child's life is leaving a void that is shaped like that parent, and nothing can totally fill that void as if it never was. Let us recognize this.

Rule Number 1

2009-05-14T22:43:00.004-04:00

No matter what the situation, the first rule is DON'T PANIC. Even when it is clearly time to panic, panicking is even more clearly the last thing you should be. This may seem to be a paradox, but it isn't. I'm reminded of some preacher, who when asked how much he prayed said, "I pray for two hours every morning, unless I'm really busy that day. On those days, I pray for four hours." See - the counter-intuitive thing to do is not necessarily paradoxical. Always remain calm, always keep your wits about you. As my man Ron Burgundy would say, keep your head on a swivel.

Today was a shocking day for me, because a member of my software development team announced his resignation. Our team's fate is already uncertain, because of the volatile nature of our business. I have danced on the knife's edge of whether I should cast my nets further afield, but after two years, Chattanooga is still my home. Seeing others depart is inducing a "Taking Stock" mindset. Within the last three months, three members of the team have left the company. The writing is clearly on the wall that the team as we have known it very likely shall not endure. I was joking with my colleague and friend Usha that our fate was to be like that of the musicians of the Titanic:

At last we know more about those brave fellows, the Titanic's musicians,
who in their firm belief in the power of music to avert or allay panic kept at
their appointed task until almost the last moment, if not, indeed, until the
all-engulfing wave swept over the wreck.

Yes, I can see it now... world-weary and stalwart programmers tapping out intricate harmonies of code as the world ends around us. It did not escape our notice that our current project is named TITAN. The universe is not without its sense of humor. Anyway, with all the uncertainty swirling around us, it was impossible for me to remain unpeturbed as yet another leaf fell from the tree. I really am not sure what I am supposed to be doing in this situation. I have many things to consider, many angles to look at this from. And it is incumbent on me to be strong and wise and calm. It was Mos Def who threw out this gem:

I navigate the treacherous and make it seem effortless.

Indeed. Do not panic. Do not be afraid. These are uncertain times for nearly all of us, but recall Psalms 91:7. No matter what, we are going to be alright. DO NOT PANIC.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it
shall not come nigh thee.

Powerless

2007-11-17T21:53:00.000-05:00

My name is Jahan, and I am powerless.

Actually, I don't believe that for a minute, but I do understand the sentiment. Correction: I might believe it for a few moments out of each day, but all in all, I tend to disagree. I have tremendous power. I have great destructive power. I have the power to tear down my own reputation, my legacy, my self respect. I have the power to make or break my childrens' destinies. I have the power to elevate and uplift my wife or shatter her faith and confidence. I have the power to make you all shudder or disgust or marvel in wonder. So why then would I begin this post with...

My name is Jahan, and I am powerless.

...because I feel like there are things that need to be done that are beyond my control. I am helpless. Surely no one has total control over their fate, but this is ridiculous. My finances are screwed up, my job is a roller coaster, my children are continually challenging me, and you don't really want to hear it, do you? Can't blame you for that. Flavor Flav's got problems of his own, right? Anyway, I recognize that I am powerless in my ways, but I am not accepting it. Like an escape artist in a prison or in shackles, I am probing for a weak point that I can exploit to eventually be free. I am twisting and contorting my body and mind beyond discomfort to what I can only hope is liberation on the other side. Is life just a dream, and you wake up when you die?

I've Been Brought Down to My Knees

2007-02-08T18:56:00.000-05:00

I have some kind of sinus/respiratory infection, and my lord it is working me over. It started on Super Bowl Sunday, I think, and has only gotten worse. I have endured severe chills and pounding migraines, aches and pains from head to toe, moving around randomly like I was a pinball machine. Congestion, coughing, shortness of breath, where will it all end. I was thinking that this was the closest I've ever come to dying, but upon reflection, I see this as folly. But it still HOITZ pretty bad. I am so fatigued today. It's 7PM and I could easily go to bed right now... and wake up on Sunday. Goodness.

Optimism

2007-02-03T08:43:00.000-05:00

I think that in some ways I am the most successful optimist of all: I always believed I would end up miserable, and lo, it has come to pass!

I Should... But I Don't

2007-01-30T20:14:00.000-05:00

I have updated my blog at least 4 times a week for the last two months -except that its only in my head. I don't have the time to get in front of the PC and get loose anymore. I'm a responsible adult now. I have clever titles and provacative content, but it just floats around in my head like chunks of corn in chowder. Hmmm... now THAT'S an analogy!

Everything is good. I am longer in Atlanta. I'm in Chattanooga, working a new job, new career, new everything. I live in an extended stay motel during the week and then drive down to ATL for the weekend, usually to spend more time getting the house ready to sell than playing with my kids, all of whom I miss dearly. During the week I work, then I go house hunting until it gets dark. Then I drive home and read, practice the piano, have a microwavable dinner, and get ready for the next day. I'm learning a lot in this new job, but is it enough? I wonder if I can do this. I'm not used to doubting myself. I've got to believe. I want to. I need to. I have to, whether its realistic or not.

Thanks for Making Me a Fighter

2007-01-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Today was my first day of work at my new job. It was incredible. Incredibly taxing, incredibly humbling, incredibly eye opening, and incredibly prophetic. I struggle to put it all into words. I know I have stepped up to the next level. I've got some work to do, but I know I am capable. I am so worn out I just have to crash. Gotta be fresh for the next daily grind. Gotta get more sleep in 2007.

Destroyer of Little White Balls

2006-12-24T01:57:00.000-05:00

I was indulging in a game of golf yesterday, and the most unusual thing happened. I got my first ever Hole in One. I was on a par 3, and after gauge the wind, terrain, blah blah blah I took my swing. I swear, as soon as I connected, I called out, "That's a hole in one." And it actually became a hole in one!!! Un-freaking-believable. My wife was right there, jaw agog. I have been feeling pretty crummy the last few days, but that was just what I needed to lift my spirits. I'm sitting on top of the world! I now have 1 hole in one, 2 eagles, and several birdies. I can see why people love golf. It is a frustrating game, but has moments of being extremely rewarding. Sweeeet!

A Mirthful Revelation

2006-11-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

Just one off voice in an otherwise tight choir is sufficient to obliterate the harmony and throttle the joy of praise.

I was singing in the choir today, for perhaps the last time, and as usual, I was near one of my tone deaf comrades. The sound of a full choir singing in harmony is one of the most sublime things in all creation -and to be a active part of that rather than a passive listener even moreso. But all it takes is one voice out of place, either a step too high or low, and you sully the entire experience. Unfortunately, there is a guy in the tenor section who has utterly no sense of how off he constantly is. He conjures a favorite quote of my quirky stepfather: "That guy couldn't carry a tune in a wet paper bag with both ends open." And today, finally and for all time, I realized why I have to get out of this place. I need to get rid of the noise in my life. I am hearing the harmony, and I am hearing the melody, but I am also hearing the dissonance. And even though the dissonance is many times outweighed by the superlative elements, a neurotic mind like mine detects dilution in parts per million, so it doesn't take much. The one voice out of tune drowns out those that are righteous and true. And it has been driving me silently insane.

I've got some strange "friends"

2006-11-17T21:14:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I think it is definitely time for me to raise up. I'm tired of nearly everything my life in the great ATL has to offer. I'm growing weary of teaching, weary of my home church, weary of my so-called friends. Maybe I'm just different, maybe I have some radically bizarre way of defining a friendship, but my friends interactions with me leave me feeling like an object of convenience rather than a treasured human being. I could go into the details of today's slight, but it really is irrelevant. I just pray I don't subconsciously treat others in the ways I notice I have been treated. Maybe in my next home, I will make friends that are truly worthy of such a lofty title... maybe.

Worth Less, But Not Worthless

2006-09-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life, and I am basically left with two options. I can work for myself, or work for someone else. Neither is unpalatable, although both have their own drawbacks. While performing my due diligence, I came across franchising as an alternative means of being self employed. Whereas in a regular startup, the entrepreneur is responsible for all aspects of getting the business organized: building the brand, marketing, hiring employees, purchasing, sales, training, support, etc., a franchise takes some of the gruntwork out of it for you. Say I open a Krispy Kreme instead of a Fat J's Delicious Donuts. Because Krispy Kreme is already in the collective consciousness, it is pretty much a given that on opening day, a Krispy Kreme will draw more sales than old Fat J's. People know what to expect with one, while the other is an untried entity.

Franchisees buy more than the brand name, however. They buy a management system and philosophy that has been tried and tested, tweaked and twigged to success. An entrepreneur, even if it is not his or her first start up company, has to learn a lot of things along the way, and that can prove costly.

So I was thinking, what if I shut down Resonant IT Solutions & Consulting and purchased a franchise? I now have more business administration experience than most, seeing that my company is in its second year, is profitable, and has solid growth potential. Perhaps I would make a competent franchise owner. I thought back to my first jobs. My first real jobs was when I was 16, a tender lad in Springfield, IL. A friend of mine named Kurtis was a fry cook at Shakey's Pizza and Buffet, and he told me they were hiring. This was my junior year of high school. I interviewed, and I got hired as a busboy, clearing plates away from tables and wiping them down between customers. I recall fondly my starting salary of $3.75 and hour (at that time, the minimum wage was $3.35). I loved it. I was meeting people, especially girls my age coming in with their parents. Getting phone numbers on the sly was my first company perk. Anyway, this is not going to turn into a trip down memory lane. I remember the guy who owned the store, his name was Dale Diamond. He was a short middle aged white man of tremendous energy and intelligence. He had two or three managers who ran the day to day, and he had a few other ventures as well. Anyway, when he was there, there is nothing he wouldn't do; he was involved in ever aspect of his business. He ran the register, he served food, he even bussed tables if his busboys were overwhelmed. I thought that overall he was a pretty solid guy. His daughters also worked their, and their were the standard spoiled little rich girls you would expect to find in such a setting. Anyway, Mr. Diamond was the first entrepreneur I encountered, and made a strong impression. I went on to work for Popeye's Burger King, Encore Books, and numerous lame jobs, but I didn't have an encounter with an actually owner of capital until I worked at McDonald's in Havertown, PA. I was living in Philly at the time, right before starting my freshman year at the U of I in the fall (I graduated high school half a year early and left Illinois post haste). I had been picked up by a modelling agency (hard to believe, eh) and in between waiting for the phone to ring, I scored a Mickey D's gig that was overall, pretty satisfying. Stores in West Philly were low paying, and full of triflin' customers and coworkers, so cast my nets further afield. Havertown is out there. You have to take the El to 69th street and get on the 104 and take it until Black faces almost disappear entirely. That store was owned by a guy name John Niggeman, which of course was bastardized into 'Niggerman'. The manager's name was MaryAnn, and she was awesome. She was sharp, funny, focused, motivated and focused. Maybe she could have been the owner in a parallel universe, she certainly had the tools. John was much less impressive, and that was another education. You didn't have to be outstanding to be in business; you just needed to have capital to invest and find outstanding people to run it for you. I remember John asking some of the guys to help him move from one posh condo to another, and I was one who volunteered. I was shocked at how well he was living, whilst my family in West Philly lived two houses down from a crackhouse and my family in Illinois lived in Springfield's grungiest projects (Brandon Drive). He wasn't a bad guy, personality-wise, but there was a huge divide between us. We just came from two different worlds.

Fast forward 16 years, and there is a huge divide in my life again, only this time its between the contemporary me and the younger me. 5 years ago, I never imagined I could be my own boss. I just didn't think that way. No one in my family thought that way. I didn't think I could become wealthy unless I made a kickass rap record. But now, I am a new creature. I see things differently. And I am willing to risk much in order to gain much more.

Which brings me to the title of this entry. I came across a table of franchise opportunities, listing the name of the franchise, what it did, how much its start up cost were, and what the requirements were. See, a franchiser is not going to give any old bloke off the street a piece of his or her empire. That empire would likely crumble due to poor leadership and management. So they franchiser screens candidates very carefully. One measuring stick is net worth. You want to own a ButterBurger's? You must have a net worth of $500K and $200K of that must be liquid. You want to own a Krispy Kreme? You need a net worth of $5 million. There's a guy who owns 15 of them in 6 six states. How much do you think he's worth?

Fortunately, not all franchises have such steep requirements. But the biggest and best ones do, so unless you have a rich relative, you'd better start small. I made an inquiry into purchasing a franchise (via their website) and they first thing they did was direct me to form that asked all kinds of questions, most frightening of which was: What is your net worth? Ouch.

I honestly didn't know, so I couldn't complete the form right then and there. I didn't even know how to come up with a number. So of course, the first thing I did was go to google. I eventually wandered to this site, which was very useful. After examining my finances with dread, I have a number, and it is not as bad as I thought it would be. I won't be opening a chain of Starbucks anytime soon, but it isn't too bad. I feared it would be negative or close to zero. My friend Carlos told me last night, "You gotta start somewhere." True. Just reckoning your net worth will teach you a lot about yourself. I know it did for me. And it has giving me yet another new goal: increase my net worth.

Insomnia Sucks

2006-09-25T08:22:00.000-04:00

I'm back. Haven't blogged in over a month, making the big push to finish my degree. I won't keep the world in suspense: I'm done. Got As in my final four classes to reach the magic number of 180 required to graduate. The end was, like many things in life, anticlimactic. I can't remember the order in which I took my finals, but I know the last one was in my Small Business Management course. It was 60 questions, and I got the hundred. I knew that even if I didn't answer a single question on the exam that I would still pass, so there was no tension at all. I just treated it like a routine act, not the culminating effort of a promise I made more than 10 years ago (to go back to school and get a degree). So when it was all said and done, there was no victory laps, no donuts in the school parking lots, no over amplified guitar solo with me setting my axe on fire. Just a quiet satisfied smile. I did it. I am now a college graduate. I am the only male in my family (on any branch I'm aware of) to have finished school. We seem to have underperformed academically, the men in my family. I'm glad to have broken that tendency. Hopefully my son will make it a tradition. I am not gonna sit here and complain about how hard it is to be a Black man in America. No, just do the thing, handle your bidness and let the people who were never going to do it anyway make excuses about why it never got done.

That being said, there's no time to rest on my laurels. I've got to keep on moving. I've got so many things I need to do that I can't afford to be patting myself on the back. I've got to decide whether to go corporate, or throw everything I have into my business and ride that wave wherever it takes me, even if that means crashing onto the shore. I'm leaning towards the latter, because I have been floating resumes since mid-August, and the perfect job has yet to present. I know it can take a while, but even though I can be a procrastinator sometimes, I'm not comfortable just twiddling my thumbs. Physics teaches that it is easier for a body to stay in motion than to start from a dead stop. So I must not stop, because entropy and inertia are a lethal combination. Or maybe I'm just impatient, neurotic and restless.

The reason this blog has such a strange title is because I haven't been a student for two full weeks, I still am keeping my 'burning the midnight oil' hours. I might need to see a doctor, because I keep ending up sitting around staring at the walls or reading or cleaning far too late into the night.

Am I?

2006-08-08T15:05:00.000-04:00

I'm reading this book on computer consulting, and a particular passage jumped out at me very forcefully. It was regarding the differences between an employee and a consultant.

An employee has some leeway. An employee is expected to learn on the job. But a consultant is expected to come into the job ready to perform at a completely professional level. That doesn't mean consultants don't make mistakes. But it does mean that the mistakes they make are the mistakes of an extremely competent person. If you are just learning your trade, no matter how much you bill clients or what services you sell, don't expect others to conside you a 'real' consultant.

Interesting. What kinds of mistakes do I make? How often do I err? I believe I am doing well for myself as an IT professional, so this is not a self-deprecating confessional, more like a challenge to constantly improve and not get complacent. Remember, despite how much one knows, it is insignificant whencompared with what is still out there to be mastered and understood.

I Don't Know Where to Begin

2006-08-02T10:12:00.000-04:00

There is a blog topic I have been sitting on for over a year, and it recently slapped me in the face again about two weeks ago. I have to set this topic free, but I can't right now. I have to go to the grocery store ASAP because we are out of milk, both Skim milk and soy milk. The kids are getting dressed and ready, and I know that even with their inefficient summer routine (10 minute tasks routinely take 45 minutes when school is out), I won't have time to do the subject matter justice. So that one will have to wait for another day.

My Small Business Management course has been a revelation to me, and not all of it has been pleasant. I wish I had taken this class 2 years ago, when I first started my business and taking classes to complete my degree. I am confident in my technical skills, but this class has exposed numerous business deficiencies, some accounting-related, some marketing-related, some management-related. Ah well, life is made for learning. This week we are covering chapters 9 through 11, and ch. 9 is about managing cash flow. Yes, I definitely needed this lesson. I think I have $56 in my business account right now. It's pretty pathetic. The chapter talks about how many small businesses fail because they don't create a cash budget, and thus fail to see cash crunches before they become cash crises. I'm in the section on accounts receivables and realizes that I'm just too nice of a guy for my own good. I have a customer who has owed me over $300 for a PC I custom built for her over 18 months ago. I have not been aggressive enough in pursuing this, instead believing that people in general (and Christians in particular) will do the right thing and at least TRY to pay their bills. Okay, so I guess that makes me a cherry, full of youthful naivete. That's fine. But the age of innoncence is passing. I now have two more customers who both just passed the 60 days past due mark, and both of them attend my church. So what should I do? Not deal with fellow congregants, to avoid tension and beef? Insist on cash only? I'm not sure. But the kids are ready, so I will mull this over on the way to Walmart and Sam's Club.

We Don't Ever Blog Anymore...

2006-07-08T12:27:00.000-04:00

We don't even know what we were blogging about
Don't even say "I love you" no more
Cause blogging how we feel is no longer allowed

It is Week 2 of my final quarter as an undergrad. Last night I went to bed at quarter to 7, and got up at 9:20. I'm an Iron Man. I am doing my thing and I cannot be stopped. I cannot be stopped. What a frightening, fearsome thought. I am again taking 4 courses, Network Security Fundamentals, Intro to UNIX, Small Business Management, and the money maker, Senior Seminar in CIS. For this last beast, here is the course description:

This course represents the last course in the Computer Information Systems curriculum. As such it will be constituted as a Systems Project involving the development of a Database Management System and related applications. The project is to demonstrate proficiency in the major subjects taught in the curriculum.

The system project in question is left to my own choosing, as long as it meets the following criteria:

You may complete one of the two types of projects:

1) A Relational Database (not MS Access). The database must include a user friendly input screen, field error checking, mulitple reports, triggers, and data manipulation. Students will be required to submit and demonstrate code (SQL) written in support of their projects.

2) Object Oriented Program (i.e. C++, Visual Basic, JAVA...). The object oriented program must include arrays or database to store data for manipulation, user friendly input screen, field error checking, and multiple reports. Students will be to submit and demonstrate code witten in support of their projects.

All students will be required to develop and present MS Power Point along with demonstrating their programs to the entire class during the last two weeks of class. This will be explained at Mid-Term. It is mandatory that all students withness ALL presentations. If a student misses one of the last two weeks, please be prepared to lose a letter grade on your projects.

Am I supposed to be intimidated? Whuteva, man. I've already been doing this for coin and sustenance. While some of my other classmates are contemplating suicide and wishing they had majored in something less demanding, I am already past the design stage and am doing the preliminary coding. HA!! This should be a fitting capstone to an almost impeccably executed endeavor. Ooh. You can tell I'm sleep deprived, look at that cumbersome sentence! Oh well.

In other news, everything is gravy. I am doing what I have to do. I am trying to be more focused and accomplish more. We just got back from our first family vacation that didn't involve visiting relatives. We went to Disney World. First time I had ever been, likewise for the kids. The Missus had been once, but didn't get to see and do everything. I can see why. We were there about 8 days and still didn't get to do everything. And we attacked it pretty hard. I got blisters on both feet from all the miles I trekked. What a wimp! I used to have blisters when I was in the Navy, wearing those oh so stylish combat boots. That seems like an eternity ago. Anyway, I see why Disney World makes people of all ages get all wistful -the place really was incredible. The most incredible thing though, from my point of view, was not the atmosphere or ambiance or the rides and characters, it was the observation that to take full advantage of what they have to offer, you'd better be paid. Either that or be willing to empty your life savings. My wife and I chatted up a couple on the monorail, and they were staying at one of the Disney Resorts. They said that the cost to feed their family of 4 at the resort restaurant came to over 250 bucks (this was just for one meal, not even a whole day's worth of meals). Ridiculous. It immediately conjured vivid images of the most expensive restaurant I have ever visited, Ruth Chris' Steak House, where 4 adults can leave about $700 lighter in the waller than when they came in. I went their when I was doing engineering with Siemens, having dinner with some other engineers. When I opened the menu, I'm sure the stunned, slack-jawed expression on my face instead told my white colleagues, "this boy obviously ain't never been nowhere". Well, they would have been right. Anyway, Disney World, to be done right, requires some serious bank. I guess that's why I never went as a child. My mom was so incredibly poor, it was just an utter impossibility. Thank God thank she sacrificed and tried to motivate us to get beyond the projects. My soft suburban raised children would probably not survive a week in my old West Philly stomping grounds. That's a good thing. Thank God I am able to give my children things that I never receive. And hopefully, they will do the same for their children. Anyway, it was a great trip. We did Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center, Animal Kingdom, Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Sea World and Wet and Wild Water Park. Those kids were worn out every night. That was a great vacation. Hopefully, when I am in my grave and long gone, my child will each think of me in a quiet moment. They'll say, "I remember the time Dad took me to Disneyworld." And that memory will evoke an emotional response. Much better, by far, than "I remember when Dad got on the skateboard and Mom told him not to because she didn't wanted to end up sitting in the ER, but he just smile, and got on it anyway, and fell on that hill and broke his arm, and we all had to take him to the ER, and Mom was rolling her eyes at him they whole time." Anyway. It was very nice.

Title? We Don't Need No Stinking Title!

2006-06-15T20:44:00.000-04:00

Finals week is drawing to an end, and with it one of the most disappointing quarters in my quest to get ed-u-ma-ca-ted. My vaunted GPA will no long be a magical, awe-inspiring, envy-inducing 4.0. I took my final in Descriptive Statistics on Tuesday, and I know my grade for the course will be a B. I got an 87, which is close to an A, but not close enough, eh?

Do you think I'm devastated? Do you think I'm so distraught that I am considering crimson handcuffs? Am I so vain that my esteem is tied to something as meaningless as a GPA? Of course not. I'm done with the thing and I'm not looking back. I doubt I will ever use the meat of that course in any future endeavors. Truth be told, I didn't deserve an A. I would have been disappointed with my University had they granted a slacker like me an A so flippantly. I really wasn't feeling the class, and on top of my myriad health issues this quarter, I just couldn't get up for such a tedious subject. I've have monster headaches for about three weeks now, because a filling I got came out, and the nerve got infected. Of course I was reluctant to go see the dentist, making matters worse, I'm sure. You know most Black people don't go until its damn near too late. By the time I went I was in bad shape, my headaches were severe, my temper was short, and my already inconsistent study habits went straight out the window. This indeed was the worst performance of my life, academically, and I still managed all A's and one B. If I had taken Statistics online, I probably would have nailed the A, but I choose to take it at the campus and actually be around other students, not knowing what challenges lay in wait for me, starting around Week 6. I had a root canal done earlier today, and as the anasthesia has worn off, the pain was worn on. I am dying. I have another final that I had to do tonight, so I need to forego my pain medication for the sake of staying conscious and lucid.

Anyway, in other news, everything is good. Of course, it isn't, but when I look at other people's situation, I wisely learn to keep my mouth shut and be glad for the skin I'm in. I'm past using the writing process to complain about my lot in life, my disobedient kids, my this, my that. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. So let's keep getting stronger, old man. I'm going to stop blogging and take this PL/SQL final and lock down this grade. Then I will medicate myself out of existence... at least for the night.

The One Eyed Man Is King In the Kingdom of the Blind

2006-06-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

I am such a slacker. I am regressing into the way I was not long ago... so busy doing everything that I don't have time to do anything. Anything worthwhile at least. I have even forsaken my blog, one of the few things left in life that really makes me happy without demanding something in return. I am on the verge of getting a B in Descriptive Statistics, so I really can't spend too much time here. I don't deserve an A, but I am going to try and wrangle one anyway. Like Clint Eastwood told Gene Hackman before he blew him away in Unforgiven, "Deserve's got nothing to do with it." I just want to let the world know my heart's still beating and my lungs are still breathing.

I haven't posted in 3 weeks? Verdad?

2006-05-21T01:54:00.000-04:00

Yes I have laurels
Upon which to rest
But I have not even
Come close to my best
I have not even
Passed half of these tests
Nor have I caused this world
Nearly enough stress.

The measure of success
I must confess
Is to manifest my gifts
So that all might be blessed.

Something old, circa April 2003.

You're a Sinner, I Don't Care

2006-05-03T15:17:00.000-04:00

I had my midterm in Descriptive Statistics last night. I was up to my usual shenanigans -delaying studying until the last possible moment, and then once into the material realizing that this stuff will take more time to assimilate than I thought. Of course, being the last minute, there was no time for further study or clarity, and so I walked into the classroom unprepared, or at least, underprepared. C'est La'vie. I took the stinking exam and I think I did well. If I missed two questions, I'll be surprised. One is more likely. Therefore, I avert disaster once again, and pat myself on the back for my cleverness. Yes, there is none more clever and lucky than you, you fortunate bastard. I was the first one done with the exam, which always is a good sign. I'm of the "You either know it or you don't school" -which I guess works both ways. Anyway, after the exam, we went into the next chapter, and I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut while inane question follows inane question. The cool thing was the drive home. I found an old custom made CD I burned for myself a looooong time ago. It says 'Kinda Funky' on it. Ah, yes, I could use some of that right about now. James Brown, Kool and the Gang, Roger, Stevie Wonder, and Prince. I had the grand foresight to put Erotic City on this CD. When it came on, I was like Whoa! I looked at the CD deck like it had just solved for pi. I sang along with it, and I guess because I have singing in harmonic settings for the past year or so, I has able to pick up the harmonies in the song like I never was able to before. Prince really is a genius. Even his melody line was harmonic. His melody was alternated by himself singing deeply, then one of the girls, I think it was Wendy, picked it up an octave higher, and then he would come back in with a vocoder digital voice effect. When it finally broke into parts, I was in for more innovative touches. The line 'you're a sinner, I don't care' was harmonized beautifully, but rather than continue it, he dropped it in the next line back to melody with 'I just want your creamy thighs'. It was really, really good. I had never heard it like that, although it's been the same song all along. Anywho, although it's midterm week, I am feeling musical today, so that's what I'm doing. I sampled Natalie Imbruglia's "Smoke" and made it a little edgier. I could sing to this one with the right lyrics. I also remixed Joann Rosario's "Open My Eyes, Lord" , taking its Latin flavor and adding some old school hip hop, circa 1988. Sooner or later though, I'll have to get back to the books.

3 ... 2... 1... Liftoff

2006-04-28T14:57:00.000-04:00

Actually its more like 'Letdown'. My tenure as an undergrad is drawing to a close, and I have mixed feelings about this. One the one hand, I am dying to be done with school so I can get back in the mix and do a lot of things that I just can't afford. The basement needs to be finished. I need new musical equipment. My kids need new clothes and braces and culture. I would like my oldest to play piano, my middle one to dance, and my baby boy looks like he'd make a fine drummer, judging by the way he beats up on the furniture around here. I'd like to take my wife somewhere nice for our 11th anniversary, which is coming up soon. So, although money can't buy you happiness, there are a few things it can do to enhance the lives of my family members. But on the other hand... I've got a sinking feeling that I can't describe. Perhaps I'm suffering from Senior's Malaise. Whatever it is, I feel like crap, nearly all the time. I'm still having lingering eye problems, and I am slacking my way toward graduation. For example, I'm 140 pages behind in my reading for my Religion and Philosophy course, with comparable numbers of lag in my other courses. This sucks. I've got to suck it up and focus. But I just don't feel like it anymore. I just want to sleep for a week. I've got 3 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day until I done that cap and gown. I should be happy and elated, yet I'm dissatisfied with just about every aspect of myself. Yeah, I think malaise does fit. I should stop blogging and catch up on my reading, but the reading invariably puts me to sleep. But I can't afford to sleep, cause I've got too much work to do. This is a struggle that goes nowhere. I'm spinning in futile circles, gaining no ground. I just have to weather this. I know I can't stay like this for too long.

This too, shall pass.

It has to.

No Title (I can't even take full credit for this)

2006-04-22T23:42:00.000-04:00

Do not care for doctrines,
do not care for dogmas,
or sects,
or churches,
or temples;

they count for little compared
with the essence of existence in each of us,
which is spirituality...

Earn that first,
acquire that,
and criticize no one,
for nearly all doctrines and creeds have some good in them

Look within
and then without
insperience life
and experience living

Esta lloviendo

2006-04-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

I put down the Software Engineering book because it is so dull and boring that I might easily have drifting into sleep unawares. So I switched to Spanish, and while tweaking my vocabulario, I thought of an old friend I haven't thought of in years. Her name was Sonia Hernandez, and she was in my squadron back when I was in the Navy. I was a young E4, new to the shop (I was an electrician) after spending an eternity in 'the Line'. Hernandez was this young, skinny, stoner chick who also happened to be an electrician. She was so spacy, I wondered how she made it through electrician school. I ended up taking her and some other people under my wing, trying to turn raw recruits into squared-away, top-notch sailors. Of course, this was difficult for me because I was a little bit of a slacker back then (unlike now) and I had to often push myself harder than I normally would because they were very impressionable. Anyway, Sonia was the only female among that class of sailors I tried to mold into my very image, and she's the only one I remember. She was about as un-Hispanic as you could think of -she was thoroughly a white girl, with no vestiges of her Latina heritage remaining. She only dated white guys, and one weekend, she went off and married one that she had been seeing for a while. Crazy. She was cool though. I don't know what happened to her, because I left the squadron in less than a year, but for some reason, my Spanish book made me think of her and all the crazy conversations we had while sitting on top of an aircraft in 110 degree weather. Sonia, if you're out there, I hope you are happy, still married, and have a house full of love and laughter.

The Scourge of the Ignorant

2006-04-15T01:39:00.000-04:00

I am struggling to control myself, but alas, I have already failed. In my Religion, Philospohy and Ethics course I have had to check some people rather forcefully for their rather backward comments on this week's current topic, "Does God exist?" Of course, the most backward and embarrassing comments are being made by Christians. Arrrrrrgh!!! My friend Jalana told me a few weeks ago, "It's the Christians that make you want to cuss." True dat. These people make themselves as individuals an Christians as a collective look pitiful, pathetic and foolish. I don't like to flash on people, but hey, a man's got to follow his convictions. I am just really sick of listening to fools spew their nonsense and just rolling my eyes and keeping quiet. So I have unleashed the beast. The requirements of the discussion (which is being conducted online in a forum setting that each class member may post to and reply to other's posts as well) are to argue for or against the existence of God using "impartial and unemotional, deliberate and considered reasoning." But of course, there was immediately a flood of "You need to trust in Jesus because the Bible says to" and "I believe and I God and I don't have to proof it. I have faith." Well shoot. That's all well and good in church on Sunday ("Giving honor to God, who is the head of my life...") but this is higher education here. Can you break out of dogma and sentimentalism for a minute, please?! This is why religion causes so much trouble in the world. Not because the religions require conflict, but because their adherents (on all sides, I'm sure) are often so simple minded and obnoxious that they react badly and any dialogue becomes a monologue. Jesus, help us. This is a crappy post. I'm just frustrated. It's 2 in the morning and I am trying to get all my work done while my kids are in the 'angelic mode'. But these crackpots are ruining what could easily be the most stimulating course I've had in years.

So Gone

2006-04-05T01:09:00.000-04:00

After a long and bizzarre tenure, I have left the choir at my church. It was a weird experience. I'm rather disappointed at myself for not being able to come up with a better adjective, being a writer and all, but weird will just have to do. It was weird. The experience taught me a lot about myself, organized religion, Christians, leadership, performing, hypocrisy, excellence, mediocrity, commitment, beauty, improvising and worship. I have been privileged to sing alongside some truly excellent singers, like Donnie McClurkin. It's all good. I wanted to maintain a separate blog only for choir related ruminations, but that fizzled. I can't keep up with one blog, how was I going to handle two?

Anyway, I'm out, liberated, free. Free to drown myself in this big push I've already explained. I need the extra time in my schedule, and despite what people say, something had to give, and that something was the choir. What do I have in my life? I have my family, my education, and my business, which is coming along quite nicely. Which of these can I forsake for the sake of the choir? Exactly. People have said, "But it's for the Lord." Well, the Lord can hear me singing in my office, or in the shower, or walking down an aisle at Walmart. Definitely in the car. If the Lord wants to hear me sing, He won't have to look too far. I love when people try to spiritualize things. No, the Lord did not descend from heaven and tell me to leave. Nor did he send a heavenly host, burning bush, or terrifying dream. He gave me a mind, and the ability to evaluate, and the strength to make decisions and live with the consequences. So enough is enough. I didn't join because God said, "Get thou thee into yea choir, and make a joyful noise unto me!" I joined because the music pastor at the time, Terrell Taylor, said that the choir needed 'a few good men', and that any men who could sing should come out. It was sadly obviously, with 17 women and two guys that the men needed some help. So I stepped in to help. No fasting, no praying, no vision quest. I must be the worst Christian EVER!

As a youth I sang in church choirs in Danville and Springfield. I sang in chorus in junior high and high school. We won state competitions at both levels. I sang in the Navy choir. I was even the director of the Navy choir at one point, but I got demoted for not being 'gung-ho enough' -what can I say. I have a decent musical background, I knew I could be an asset, so I became an asset. And it was weird. I saw up close and personal how people could be so petty and carnal over who gets to hold the microphone. I saw up close and personal how people could get free of their misery and bondage through praise and worship. I met kind and wonderful people and petulant divas that made me want to wretch.

I guess you could say I saw it all,
But now I see no more.

And I'm cool with that.

Let's Roll, Fat Boy!!

2006-03-28T07:37:00.000-05:00

Ha Ha. Cinnabon and Garcia's Pizza and Grandma's cookies and Lizard Blizzard have had the last laugh. I devoured them them in battle, yet they still have won the war. I'm overweight. I have higher than healthy levels of cholesterol. My body is breaking down. And I've done it to myself.

Since I has a youth, I was ultra lean and skinny. My momma used to call me 'pencil-butt' because I was so narrow. I always favored the streamlined, rippled physique of Bruce Lee rather than the intimidating bulk of a Ah-nold. And boy I could eat! I could eat as much as I wanted and never gain an ounce. Beware the young son or nephew whose favorite phrase seems to be, "Are you gonna finish that?" I was always skinny, and I thought I always would be.

I wrestled all four years in high school. I wrestled at the 112 lb. weight class as a Freshman, 126 as a Sophomore, 140 as a Junior, and 145 as a Senior. (Reminiscing on all the enemies conquered and subdued bring a smile to my lips, but I must not digress!)

Many years and calories later, my metabolism has betrayed me. I know all young men labor under the illusion of their own invincibility, but man. When the reality hit me, I refused to believe it. Now, I weigh 231 lbs. That's more than I ever imagined myself weighing. I remember in the Navy my weight had crept up to 180, and I was like, I'll never hit 200. Ever. Yah, right.

I have been in consistently poor healthy for the last 4 months. I know I need to make some changes on my end, or I am going to cut my life short and even the years I have left will be full of waiting rooms, tests, and bad news, instead of music, love and laughter. And so, my wife and I have taken the plunge, and we are going to do the easiest and hardest thing it is for human beings to do. We are going to change. We are going to change our eating habits and our fitness habits. We actually started last Tuesday, and we are both seeing positive results. I am going to lose this weight. This isn't me. People meeting me now for the first time are probably like, "What a jolly fat man!" That's dead. This guy is going to amaze and astound yet again. I guarantee it, like my name was Joe Namath. I post this declaration on my blog so that the world might know, and see, and perhaps draw inspiration. There are a lot of overweght people in this country, but if I can do it, it might encourage others to do it as well. Take the journey with me.

Once More, to the Breach

2006-03-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

Final Exams are upon me. I believe I am sitting pretty after a very tough quarter. I had

CIS 267 - Visual Basic Programming
CIS 415 - Systems Analysis and Design
HUM 300 - History and Methods of Science
POL 300 - Contemporary International Problems

This was a tough quarter, but barring catastrophe, I should earn A averages in all of them. If I can just get through these finals. Oh, and depending on what I get on the research paper for POL 300. I meant to blog that. I meant to title it: 'Oh, the Irony'. But I've been too busy to blog.

So what's the great irony? Well, as anyone who knows me can attest, I have the notoriously bad habit of writing my papers at the last minute. I've done it for years -decades even (geesh I'm getting old). What keeps me still doing it is the magnificent success I've enjoyed. I can't remember not getting an A on a better. I cannot recall not being the best writer in a class. What others couldn't posit in a month of rough drafts, I usually key into in my only draft. But this time, I made the effort to buck the trend. I actually started on the paper several days in advance. And when I finished it, I was not impressed. Ever since my old roommate Sheldon came up with his famous dictum ("If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with BS!") I've made it a guiding principle of my writing. However, this paper left me wanting. I know good writing and great writing when I read it, and this... just left me unimpressed. Figure that! That is the LAST (and probably first) time I EVER do things the conventional way. When I feel that impending deadline, the juices start flowing and like the Lord God Almighty creating the ordered universe out of the chaotic void, I fabricate masterpieces out of fragmented and often contradictory thoughts. I turned that paper in 8 days ago, and have not received the grade. What if I don't get an A on it? The one time I try to do things the way they supposedly ought to be done, what if it bites me on the rear. That would be the ultimate irony.

Anyway, I have to take some exams, so I need to study rather than blog. I am soooo ready to matriculate, Lord! And this next term might be the toughest one yet. I am tentatively taking

CIS 305 - PL-SQL
CIS 421 - Software Engineering
MAT 300 - Statistics
HUM 400 - Philosophy and World Religions

Plus I'm supposed to teach myself enough Spanish to pass the CLEP. This is going to be one wild, crazy ride.

You Underestimate My Power!!!!

2006-03-03T23:44:00.000-05:00

--That's what that buster, Anakin Skywalker, said to Obi Wan just before Master Kenobi dropped the hammer in what is probably the most stunning sequence in all of cinema history, and sliced and diced Anakin out of both legs and an arm. I don't know why crazy thoughts like that pop into my head at random, but they do, and leave me without much room to segue. I guess I am feeling a tad giddy because not only did the 76ers win tonight (with Iverson torching the Wizards for 47 and 12), but I coded my own web browser today. Not any old ordinary application, but my own iteration of the KILLER app of all time. I doubt any program is as used as the web browser (save the OS, and they don't count). Think of it... Internet Explorer, Netscape Navigator, Mozilla Firefox, and (drum roll, please!) the DiMWiT. That's my tentative name for it. The name that popped in my head initially was too long, so I shortened it. I thought, "Data Miner, Waste of Timer" -hinting at the profound dual nature of the Internet. People use it to increase their knowledge immensely, but people also use it to dumb themselves down. DMWT. DiMWiT. I know its corny, but that's my baby. She's very primitive right now. She has no back button or Favorites or anything fancy. Just an url bar, a Go button, and the content viewer. It's so freaking SWEEEEEEEEEEET though. Ha ha. The simple pleasures. This wan't even for class. This is just me being curious and nerdy. I am composing this post in the browser RIGHT NOW!!!! And it's Midnight on the dot, so that's a good place to stop. I've got schoolwork for the week to finish (and in some cases, start).

Libation for Octavia Butler

2006-03-01T11:54:00.000-05:00

I can't believe you're gone.

Who will carry on your legacy?

...

This is a short, sufficiently atmospheric elegy for Octavia.

Those who sow in tears...

2006-03-01T02:05:00.000-05:00

shall reap in joy.

I haven't written in a while, and for the usual reasons. But I have wanted to. I've got tons of new blogging material. Alas, it's 2 AM and I know there is no way in the world I can sustain my energy to spill it all out. I am learning Flash -it's about time! I've had this software for over a year. I learned Fireworks and just went from there. I jumped back into programming and let my design expertise idle. But no longer. Macromedia Flash is one of the most powerful pieces of software I have ever used. It's up there with Visual Studio.NET and Sony Acid. Man. I feel so empowered, and I still have yet to finish all the training modules. I have been learning elementary particle physics in my History and Methods of Science course. I'm pleased that much of it I had a more than a passing knowledge of. Some of the theories that are considered the leading modes of thought leave me unimpressed, but I must admit I'm very impressed with what they have been able to observe in such a short time. I still think that science, on the big questions, requires as much faith as any religion does. Maybe someone will come up with a unified field theory for science and pseudo-science, for religion and pseudo-religion. If TOE's (theories of everything) can be applied to universal forces like gravity and electromagnetism and the strong force which holds together the atom, then surely all these thought paradigms can be yoked to the one truth -if we can ever figure out what that one truth is and prove it. I have written some new lyrics to a song I wrote music to a month ago. I called the song Caravan, initially, because it had a travelling vibe to it, but I will have to rename it now. It's jazzy, but it's gospel. I am too tired to post the lyrics for critique. Maybe I can steal some time to write tomorrow. Peace, world.

The Worse, the Better

2006-02-20T13:20:00.000-05:00

That is a quote from Lenin. The idea behind it is that the harsher the conditions get for an oppressed people, the more likely they are to get fed up and strike back. I can see that. The idea can be extended to say that you can provoke an oppressor into helping you mobilize the people you wish to liberate, for in the short term, you bring great hardship and suffering upon them, but in the long run, you will forge the desire to be free in them that would not be there if they are pacified and in relative comfort. Stunning. I should have been a political scientist. I am doing my reading for my POL 300 class, and it just got me thinking. Ah well. Back to the books.

Being in ministry means...

2006-02-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

never having to say, "You know that sermon I preached last week? Well, throw that out, it was wrong. My bad."

If you are wondering what brought this on, I'll have to tell you about it later. I'm still doing midterms. Plus, my last post was so long, I could really go for a little brevity.

Happily Addicted, Happily Afflicted

2006-02-12T02:54:00.000-05:00

Last month, Electronic Gaming Monthly, in celebration of its 200th issue, released its list of the 200 Greatest Videogames of All Time. I have always loved videogames, and I have always loved lists. When the American Film Institute came out with their list of the 100 Greatest Movies of All Time, I had check it out. That list led me to rent Casablanca, which I must agree, is a pretty great movie. One of my favorite books in my library (and if you knew the size of my library, you'd know that was quite an honor) is a work by Irving Chernev called "The Golden Dozen: The Twelve Greatest Chess Players of All Time". It not only lists the great masters, but gives the notations for at least 10 of each one's finest games. It confirmed my belief that the man I have patterned my own style of play after (although I fear I am far too aggressive for his tastes) was the greatest of all time. His name? Jose Raoul Capablanca, a GENIUS if I ever saw one. I have studied a few of the masters (not all, at least not yet) and Capa's style is so lucid and clear and elegant and unstoppable --Man!!

But I am here to talk about videogames, so I must end my digression. I remember EGM's 150th issue (over 4 years ago) where they put out a list of the top 100. Super Metroid took the top honors, and number 2 was Tetris. I must say, I had no problem with that. SuperMetroid was (and still is) the most atmospheric game of all time. The music, the visuals, the layout, the story, the ending -every aspect was superb. And this game was from an earlier era, before all the fancy graphics and professional voices actors videogames employ today. If you haven't played (and beaten) Super Metroid, I pity your soul!! And as for Tetris, what else needs to be said? It is an awesome game, a game even nongamers could pick up and embrace. It wasn't the first game I ever mastered (that would probably be either Space Invaders or Asteroids), but by the time Tetris came along, Nintendo had created Nintendo Power magazine to unify the Nintendo nation. If you posted a high score, you could take a picture of the TV screen and send it in, and they would publish the highest ones. Some people would videotape themselves playing through a game (I remember doing this for Kid Icarus and for Super Contra) as indisputable proof of their skills. Well, with Tetris, I routinely posted scores among the highest in the nation. This did a wonderful thing for me -it made me feel invincible. As a young loner and social misfit, it was good to excel at something! I knew that anyone I played against in Tetris would lose, and that boosted my confidence and self esteem. I couldn't dance (still can't), didn't wear nice clothes, wasn't popular, didn't excel in school, and was generally persona non grata in junior high and high school, but I was all-world when it came to Tetris. That was something that got me through. When Street Fighter came out, it was the same story. The only person I ever played who could hold me was my brother. His character was Guile, and mine was Ryu, the brooding loner. I found myself relating to Ryu because in the ending, after he wins the tournament, he doesn't even show up for the ceremony to be celebrated. I can totally relate! Actually, now that I think about it, my favorite character was actually Chun Li, a teenage girl. But she lacked the power of her male counterparts, and so against strong competition, I would switch to Ryu. Going from place to place and beating all comers gave me a sense of self worth I didn't know I was lacking. So much for videogames being a waste of time.

Videogames have helped me develop the one trait that my wife can't stand, but probably would hate even more if I didn't have it: stubborness. Those old school games, man, they were tough. A game like Ninja Gaiden, you fought all the way through that game and you got manhandled by the boss, you started over. Period. There were no savepoints right outside his door! There were no unlimited continues! It was hard. These gamers of today are spoiled. I would play those old games and be frustrated when I got to places I couldn't get pass, but I would dig in and just keep attacking. You got 3 continues in Ninja Gaiden, and if you weren't good enough to make it to at least the fourth level without using a single one, you were setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt. So you had to have your stuff together. Your stuff had to be tight. And if it wasn't, you died. Period. And most likely, those sadistic programmers who designed the game would have someone on the screen taunting you. Ah, the memories. The point is, I took those experiences of being repeatedly denied and coming back until I was victorious and applied it to other areas of life. I am the kind of person who will do something 10, 20, 50, 100 times until I get it to work. Most people don't have the patience for that. I say, the probably never played Rygar or Blaster Master.

On top of the new list sits Super Mario Brothers. Ah, the memories. This is the game that really birthed the gaming industry. not Pac-Man, not Donkey Kong, not Pong. Super Mario ruled the arcade and the living room. I still have an original NES with some guys. I have my Super NES hooked up in the living room at this moment. I am truly devoted to gaming, even if I don't have the time to spend on it like I did in my youth. But the cool thing is, looking over the list, seeing games jump out at me like photos from an old yearbook, evoking sweet memories -like Robotron 2084, a game that actually brought my father and I (briefly) closer. He loved that game, and so did I. I remember him taking me down to 40th Street when I would go out to Philly to see him in the summer. He would get about 10 dollars and convert it to quarters, and I would look at the mountain of silver in his hands and think, "Wow, my dad is the richest man in the world!!!" He would give me and my brother a generous amount of quarters, and we would have a blast. I would go against him and get massacre'd every time, and I loved it. My dad NEVER, EVER "let" me win. How was that going to make me a man? Does this cruel world give you any breaks? Hey, I think he was on to something. I love you, Dad. I'm digressing. I'm like Kafka today. This is a huge post!! Man.

Anyway, seeing games of pleasure past got me all nostalgic, and I have been going back through the ones on the list the I still have. I beat Super Mario Bros. and SMB 2 within the last two weeks. My 3 three children watched most of my sessions, and were in awe. I let them play, and they died repeatedly. I told y'all the old school was no joke!! You gotsta BRING IT!! It was very cool to relive history, find hidden stuff buried in my mind, be reminded of how simple and enjoyable life can be. Sometimes, when I slow down for a minute, I actually feel like I've got it made. I can find joy in the little things. Finding Kuribo's shoe, or the Raccoon Tail, or a First Place Killer can bring a smile to my lips. Who knew.

It's My Anniversary!

2006-01-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

I have had my own website for exactly one year!!! How thrilling! I have gone from setting up my own personal and business sites to maiking sites for others. How cool is that? I remember when I first started doing this, it was like I stumbled onto some new drug. I could put up whatever I wanted, and within seconds, the whole world could see it. Wicked!

I haven't written in a bit, but with good cause. I've been both sick, and busy. But I think I am recovering from both, and so, here I am, killing a few minutes before I have to pick up my baby from school. What have I been up to? Well, for starters, I've been developing a great affection for Visual Basic.NET. I never thought I would ever want to be a programmer ("Too meticulous and detail oriented!" I often protested, which makes sense for a guy who is constantly losing his cell phone, his wallet, his keys, his laptop, his mind...), but I am actually very comfortable with it now. Comfortable (?!) This is my 5th or sixth language now, let me see. I learned Basic and Pascal back in the day (10 Print "YOU RULE"; 20 GOTO 10 ) but I can't count those, since they have no practical use these days. So let's begin again: Java, C/C++, PHP, Visual Basic.NET, and some of the lesser languages like SQL, PL/SQL, HTML, XML, Javascript, and Perl. I CAN DO THIS!! When I graduate this summer, should I jump back into corporate America, I feel capable of stepping into any IT modality with ease!! Woo hoo!

Aside from enjoying coding (and setting my inner geek free) I have been writing more new music. I have written some original pieces (where I play every instrument) as well as sampling older stuff and combining it with other elements and turning it into something modern and funky. -Hey, Puffy has made millions doing it. Matter of fact, I need to put together a list of songs that need to be reduxed. I has listening to the SOS band the other day, and I can't believe no one has messed with "Weekend Girl". That song is tight, even after all these years. Of course, Mariah Carey sampled "Tell Me (If You Still Care)" from them for the remix of "Always Be My Baby", which I loved, and Jay-Z and Foxy Brown ripped "Just Be Good to Me" for some lame song, which I hated. My latest sampled piece is not very old at all. It is taken from Amerie's first single, "Why Do We Fall In Love", which came out in 2002, but I must have missed. I heard her latest song, "1 Thing" and liked both her vocals and the totally un-formulaic music behind it, so I decided to see what else the child had done. "Why Don't We" uses a sample of a song I can't place, speeds it up and adds some funky drums. What I have done is add some really nice little touches to what is already a nice piece, and VOILA! I'm in love. I'm playing it all the time to the point that my wife is sick of hearing it. Oh, it's time to bounce. Funny... I have the feeling I was just getting started. I need to write a little more often.

Always Will

2006-01-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

Neither of us
seems inclined to change

Neither of us
is likely to bend

Both of us
are stubborn old fools

Neither of us
will let it end

I guess I can live with that.

Too many people nowadays
are quick to throw in the towel

Too many people
are more concerned
with their happiness and not their vows

Things done in haste
Cannot easily be undone.

That's what I love about us -
We'd rather be miserable together
Than happy alone.

That's not quite right, of course
But after an argument
and harsh words and raised voices,
and over a drink or two
in a reflective mood
in a quiet house,
it seems almost fitting.

We love each other,
through thick and thin
for better and worse
for rich and for poor

And we always will.

--Written 1/22/06 after an argument over my infuriating deficiencies as a husband.

On Fire

2006-01-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

Ever since I bought Sony Acid Music Studio, my creative output has surged. I have been writing new material like the glory days in my old group Hosanna had returned. This new music can be placed into 3 categories: original music where I create every sound (drums, keys, guitars, bass, horns, strings, etc.), remixes of songs others have made, some being mixed and spliced with other songs, and then there are the concoctions made using an eclectic approach and some of the sound libraries Acid provides. These sound libraries are astonishing for their breadth and variety. Being a lover of nearly all styles of music, I really appreciate the ability to mix jazz with country, or folk with hip hop. It is so wonderfully liberating to just enjoy creating music again. I went through years of drought, producing nothing, because inspiration had forsaken me. Now though, the muse has returned. I'm feeling positively prolific!

To Compromise a Principle is to Abandon It

2006-01-12T20:47:00.000-05:00

I am becoming increasingly sensitive to a lot of incorrect doctrine and dogma that is a part of modern American Christianity. Instead of blogging about my toothache or my bills, I would like to get some things out in the open.

I keep hearing variations on a theme that I might have accepted a few years ago without question, but now, as a more mature and discerning man, I blanch at immediately. Here it goes: “America is a Christian nation” or “America was founded on Christian principles” or something to that effect.

After pondering this in solitude for a while, and doing some research for a while after that, I have to say that I don’t believe this to be true. My inner Black man says, “Duh!!” -after all, if America started out as a Christian nation, and all these fools are looking backward to the glory days of the past, then hey, I should just find the nearest landowning Southerner and offer to be his slave. Slavery was legal and encouraged at America’s founding. And for the squeamish, you don’t even want to know the intimate details of what it took to turn free peoples into slaves. My inner Black man says that simply on the fact of the most brutal form of slavery the planet has ever known, America was not a Christian nation circa 1776. But apologetics will excuse the barbaric behavior of church attending, Father Son and Holy Ghost worshipping, slave raping and murdering Christians, and say that they were an anomaly. But what about old Thomas Jefferson, who had Sally Hemmings (and who knows how many more like her)? No, if I am going to make my case, I have to take it off racial grounds, because the good Christian Americans of the day can’t be faulted for their treatment of the Africans and Indians, after all, these nonwhites had no souls. So let me change my approach.

What are Christian principles? I’ve been a Christian for about 25 years, and this is something I actually had to think about. I would say that the fundamental Christian principle is to love one’s neighbor as you would love yourself. Other Christian principles are turning the other cheek, being honest, loving nothing more than God, taking care of those less fortunate. Anybody disagree with that?

Okay, so I’m looking at American history, and I am struggling to see cohesive and consistent application of these supposedly obvious Christian principles. I see land grabbing and greed, I see exploitation, I see genocide and slavery. I see oppression and arrogance. I see hypocrisy and hate. I see the name of God used to justify killing women and children like this was the Old Testament. I don’t recall God anointing America the new Israel. I am looking through a few of my history books, and I don’t see how anyone could honestly claim that America started out on Christian principles unless they are either ignorant, or propagandists. I’d prefer to think they were merely ignorant, rather than willfully distorting facts to push an agenda. I need someone to name a Christian principle that America has not been in violation of since its inception –because I can’t think of any. I think of the Compromises of 1820 and 1850, Dred Scott, Reconstruction, and … it’s quite distasteful. If America was founded on Christian principles, then Christianity has different meanings to different people, and all the meanings can’t be correct. I can’t believe this is something people are debating. What is there to debate? Invoking God’s name here and there makes neither man nor nation state righteous or holy. But you shall know them by their fruits.

Sick, For Real

2006-01-04T13:11:00.000-05:00

I'm in an unusually irritable state. I am cranky, crabby, mean, surly -whatever you want to call it. In other words, this is a perfect writing mentality, in the same way people look out the window on say, "This is a perfect day for gardening!"

I favor writing in bad moods over happy moods because only in bad moods can you really surprise yourself. Bad moods draw on deeply buried, often primal impulses and feelings, and because our primitive mind can be so feral, we try to dissociate ourselves from it. But try as we might, we cannot completely suppress it.

Writing in bad moods also has the virtue of being therapeutic and cleansing. Sometimes you can write yourself out of a bad mood, even if your writing doesn't address the feelings or circumstances that brought you to that mindstate. That's not bad at all. You can't keep stuff inside for too long, it'll kill you.

So what has me in this mood? I can't really say. I can say that the fact that I've had a cold for going on 5 weeks isn't helping. Oh, and did I mention my in-laws are still here? I actually love them very much and get along with them very well. But they are people, and all people have issues. I am witnessing their issues play out in addition to my own and those of my wife and kids. Yes, even kids can have issues. My two year old's issue right now is taking unscheduled "bulk dumps" [a old IT phrase usually referring to memory, but also applicable here] instead of going to the bathroom like a big boy. I knew coming in that boys were slower and more difficult to train, but jeesh! But see, I have written about it, and now, don't I feel better about it?

No, not really.

I still need to change his stinky behind.

You Haven't Heard/Seen/Experienced Nothing Yet

2006-01-01T02:17:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to all. Yes, I know my post's title is grammatically incorrect, but who cares. All who know me (or think they know me) are about to be blown away by what I do this year. I am going to set this piece on fire. I am in a zone, a groove, a rhythm, a mindset, a mentality, an abstract place that overflows into the concrete and material. 2006, Year of the Fox.

I feel so
blissfully blessed,
ecstatically elated,
joyously jubliant,
to be alive,
to be free,
to be me!

Change is Gonna Come

2005-12-27T01:49:00.000-05:00

My blogs are getting boring. I am feeling the same things from day to day. I am tired of writing about them. I wrote a new song today, and I feel the giddiness, the sheer exhilirating delight that I have felt many times, but never EVER get tired of feeling. I have already tried to put it into words here, but words always fail me. As important and powerful as I know words to be, I know that they are inadequate in all too many situations. As far as what I'm feeling, words cannot express. So I may have to take a break from blogging my personal life for a hot minute. I think I will focus on my Christianity blog.

I'm listening to my new baby (I have named her, "Sexy") as I've been typing, and I...

see what I mean.

Life is Good.

In a nutshell...

2005-12-18T23:18:00.000-05:00

pith·y (pth)
adj. pith·i·er, pith·i·est
1. Precisely meaningful; forceful and brief: a pithy comment.
2. Consisting of or resembling pith.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/pithy

"A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts."
~William Strunk, Jr., The Elements of Style, 1918

"Good things, when short, are twice as good."
~Baltasar Gracian, The Art of Worldly Wisdom

The muse was upon me. I got the idea for a poem. I sat, grabbed a pen and parchment, and proceeded to write. I regard my concoction with affection and scorn. It was too long. What was I really trying to say? So I whittled it away, and this is what I came up with.

You try
You fail.

I try
I prevail.

You try
You fail
You moan
and wail.

I try
I fail
I regroup
And travail
I assail
until
I
prevail.

No Doubt, Love

2005-12-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

Finals are over. I don't resume until Jan. 9th. What this means is not rest, but merely diverting my effort into different areas. I have agree to do a website for a lady in Texas, and I need to get that done. I need to paint some rooms in this house, so it feels more like a home. I need to stay on my children's behinds, because they are all getting a little too obstreperous for my tastes, and a father, a real, involved, renaissance man type of father is supposed to make sure kids understand that law and order ain't just a TV show. A father, a daddy, whatever you want to call him, is supposed to hug you and kiss you cause you're his child, but also raise his _________

A: voice
B: eyebrow
C: hand
D: wooden spoon
E: switch off the tree outside
F: any and or all of the above

when the situation calls for it. I'm 'the meanest old Daddy in the world' (to borrow a recent phrase from my 4 year old) when I have to be, and by the looks of things, I have to be.

As I was saying, the quarter is over, and I have amazed even myself. I took four courses, and in two of them I pulled off a feat I have never even considered theoretically possible. I scored 100% on every test, quiz assignment, paper -you name it- for the entire quarter. Final grades of 100% with no extra credit in not one, but two classes. I've never heard of anyone doing that. I can harldy believe it. Last quarter, in Object Oriented Programming, I got like a 103%, because I was in the zone and went the extra mile for all the extra points. However, this is unprecedented, and I must say I am very pleased with myself. Maybe I'm not such a screwup after all. In my other two classes, I got A's as well, nothing lower than a 96%. This should give hope to all the parents of underachieving children. I never made straight A's once I got out of 4th grade. In fact, I bought home quite a few C's, D's and even F's. But now, I am actually living up to my potential. For someone who is traditionally skeptical and very hard on himself... man! I'm not going to dwell on it though.

My in-laws are coming down tomorrow and will be here until after New Year's. We'll see how this goes. I don't know what to expect. I will try and manifest the fruit of the Spirit in season and out of season, as always. It's all good. I should probably be cleaning right now. Yeah, that's a good idea. Go clean, fat boy! I can throw on Harlem Nights while cleaning downstairs and remember the late, great, dearly departed Richard Pryor. He was the man. For all you trivia buffs, he was born in Illinois, just like yours truly.

Teetering on the Edge of Madness and/or Glory

2005-12-11T04:19:00.000-05:00

It's late, or early, however you want to look at it. I took my CIS 276, Introduction to Oracle final. Four and a half hours. I have a 97% in the class up to this point, but the final is weighted so that by my calculations, I need a 75 to escape with my A. Anyway less and I pull a B. A freaking B?!?!?!!?!?!!!? I struggled mightily in this class early on, but rallied heroically from that point onward. Now I wonder if it was all in vain. So why am I so worried?

Because that test was harder than my moms on report card day. I know I should just relax, but until that guys grades the exams and posts the results, I'm going to be producing enough gastric acid to dissolve a bucket of stainless steel rivets. At least I've got this funky new mix to abide with me. I took "Leaving the World Behind" and FREAKED it. It's almost enough of a consolation should I earn a B in this stupid course.

Almost.

The Outcome is the Same

2005-12-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

When you don't know where to begin, any old place will do. I got a 95 on my paper, the one I started on its due date. I'm pleased and disgusted with myself. I've got to get out of that habit. One day it is really going to bite me in the behind. Oh well. After we turned in our papers and did a quick finals review, Prof. Clark turned over the class to me and I lectured/conducted a lab in web design and HTML for my classmates, who are all business majors, not IT majors. It went pretty well, although there are definitely some things I will change the next time I am at the podium. I got positive feedback from everyone, but I am so critical of myself that I couldn't get overly excited. Still, how many students get to teach their classmates and professor? That was pretty special.

This is finals week, and out of four, I have taken one so far. I will take a second later today (in my Oracle course), and do my Sociology one this weekend. The only one then remaining will be on Tuesday. I need to focus just for a few more days, then maybe I can vegetate. Next quarter doesn't start until January 9th. I need to put up a tree, and maybe decorate the exterior with Christmas lights. I dunno though. I wonder if we can afford it. Things are getting a little tight around here. I know that is a relative term, but for this household, it is just a cold fact. Do I need to jack up my electric bill for artifice? To participate in something I don't even believe in? Getting a tree was a major concession for me. I didn't want to perpetuate the soup sandwich mythology of Christmas, but I allowed a tree for my children's sake. I still don't go all overboard, and there's no way in hell I'm going into debt buying gifts for people (like I see so many people doing). I don't know. We bought a bunch of stuff last year after Christmas when it was dirt cheap, and know, I need to evaluate whether we can afford to actually take them out of their pretty packages and use them. This house costs a lot to heat. Homeowners associate fees are due the first week of Jan., which means 400 bones gone. Both the car and the van have been in the shop recently for significant work, and the kids have been sick. The doctor's visits and medicine are not cheap. To top it off, my wonderful school is hassling me for more money, like they don't charge enough already. Turns out, a Pell Grant I thought I was getting is not coming, so the amount I have to come up with has increased. Great.

Still, I am not depressed, not in a funk. Just looking and analyzing. Can't bury my head in the sand and ignore it. I am the head of this household, I need to be prepared for whatever may come. If lack comes, let it come. If prosperity comes, let it come.

Here We Go Again!

2005-12-06T11:12:00.000-05:00

...the same old stuff again!
Marching down the avenue!
8 more weeks and we'll be through!
Sound off! 1...2...
Sound it off! 3...4...
Break it on down!
1 2 3 4
1 2
3 4!
-Old Navy and Marine Corps marching cadence

It's 11:16, and I have a research paper due at 6PM this evening. I have yet to start. I swear, I must be like that guy in Mike Tyson's PunchOut, Mr. Sandman. He would throw lazy jabs at you and if you were good, you could tear him up for a little while. But once you got two knockdowns on him (and thus only needed one more for a TKO), he would shake off the cobwebs, say "Showtime!" and proceed to unleash flurry after flurry until you were on your back, dazed and confused. I've got to stop this. I'm still not writing the paper, I'm blogging! Now I'm Googling for a pic of old Sandman. Madness. Hey, I found one! See y'all later after I score this A!!

The NBA...It's Fannnnntastic!

2005-12-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

This is my first year playing fantasy hoops, and after a rough start, I'm starting to get the hang of it. My team has taken over the #1 position in the league for the first time. You can't imagine how happy I am. You've got to learn to derive joy from the little things in life, because the big things are often few and far between. So today, I'm happy because I'm #1, if only in my fantasy basketball world. I'll take it.

My team consists of Tim Duncan, Chris Paul, Ray Allen,Michael Redd, Vince Carter, Lamar Odom, Shane Battier, Stromile Swift, Damon Stoudamire, Eric Dampier, Zach Pachulia, Bonzi Wells, and I just added Charlie Villanueva, a rookie from U Conn who is playing well up in Toronto. Woohoo!!!!

Do the Thing

2005-12-01T00:15:00.000-05:00

You can't show yo' stuff
If you don't know yo' stuff
If you don't know yo' stuff
You can't hold yo' stuff

If you don't learn yo' stuff
You can't earn yo' stuff
And if you can't turn yo' stuff
Into mo stuff
Then you'll find yo' stuff
Sho' nuff
ain't enough.

The Thinking Man's Process

2005-11-29T01:26:00.000-05:00

The Thinking Man's Process

Watch
Wait
Bide
Regard
Observe
Learn
Simmer
Stew

Remember
Analyze
Cogitate
Parse
Dissect
Digest
Devour
Chew

Question
Wonder
Challenge
Postulate
Query
Posit
Suppose
Muse

Intuit
Absorb
Collate
Contend
Imagine
Attack
Defend
Deduce

Try to visualize every vague abstraction
Think, but don't forget to turn thought into action

Conceived and executed on a break from studying, Nov. 29, 2005

If You Want Some...

2005-11-25T18:58:00.000-05:00

Yes, I feel it.
I am fee-ling-it!

I don't quite completely believe it, but I can't dispute the results. I am invincible. Unstoppable. Unflappable. Serene and focused, talented and gifted. I am capable. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I just feel like I can do anything I want, and nothing and no one can stop me. It's not even fair to the competition. I have to ride this wave until I come crashing down to earth. You might think I'm trippin', but no one who was ever anyone ever did anything without a little confidence. And my recent endeavors have given it to me in abundance. Peace.

Found while cleaning

2005-11-21T08:37:00.000-05:00

I found these lines on a scrap of paper, while cleaning up my junky office. In one respect, it's getting close to that time of year, where you evaluate what you need to change in the upcoming year. For me, the big thing is to get organized. I am the hardest working slacker I know. I work so hard because I'm so disorganized that everything either piles up on me, or I have scramble to find this bill or that assignment at the last minute. So this icy Monday morning, the first thing I did was go through a stack of living clutter, and cut it's heart out. Most of this crap went straight to the trash, the shredder, or the recycle bin. Why didn't I just handle it the first time. The rest is split between somewhat important papers that need to be put in their proper files and cabinets, and minutae. Lord, help me- I think I might be a borderline slob.

Anyway, I found these words on a stray half sheet of paper, no date, no notes. Just a quick ditty:

You pray for death
But it won't come
A cruel, cruel joke
-At least for some.

If it's your fate
To still draw breath
Let there be purpose
In each reluctant step.

I'm sure I must sometimes seem like one of the most gloomy people ever, but such is not the case -at least not always.

Dag

2005-11-16T23:35:00.000-05:00

God Still Continues
To Look Out For
The Children
But The Fools
Will Have To
Look Out
For Themselves.

God Still Continues
To Watch Over
The Babies
But The Fools
Who Never Learned
Never Learn.

-Gil Scott-Heron

Como Estan Pinches!!!

2005-11-11T20:28:00.000-05:00

There. I finally managed to work an Anchorman quote into my blog. I'm a little giddy because I bought myself a wah wah pedal. Wasn't I just talking about getting one? Well, me and the Mrs. were at Target and they had one. I was like, "Target sells music equipment?!?!" Too good to be true.

Actually, yeah, that is exactly what it turned out to be, cause when I got the thing home and plugged it up to the Fender, all it did was squelch my sound. So I boxed it back up. I shoulda known better. Instead of going to a legit music store, I tried to do it on the cheap. I would NEVER, EVER buy a guitar from Target or Walmart, so why would I buy an effects processor? WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!??? I'm still excited though, because instead of that slice of heaven, which will come again later, I found something else to satisfy my hunger. I bought Sony Acid Music Studio 6. This is a program that lets you use your PC as a sequencer, multi-tracker and mixing board to make your music sound a little more polished. I've got a decent drum machine, a keyboard that needs to be put out to pasture, and a few guitars & mics, and now with this, that oughtta be enough. So yeah, I'm geeked. Like a kid on Christmas morning. Woohoo!!!!!!!!!

The Exchange

2005-11-06T01:12:00.000-05:00

Black Yankee walks into a music store.
Two middle aged white Southerners mill about, one by the register, one fingering a fine Gibson.

“Can I help ya?”
“Yes, I’ve never noticed this store before, and just popped in to see what you had.”
“Well, we’ve got plenty of guitars, how long ya been playing?”

The Yankee pauses. He found a crusty guitar in his grandmother’s storage closet around 17 years ago. If he says 17 years, and has to demonstrate his technique, the two suspected rednecks will conclude that the Yankee is either an outright fabricator (and a poor one to boot), or one of the sorriest musicians on the planet. Yankee knows that years have passed between strummings, and like New Year’s Resolutions, the desire to get serious about the instrument starts out strong and fizzles rapidly, then returns months later with renewed vigor. Yankee calculates amount of time actually spent in fellowship with the guitar, not just time of possession.

“About two years, maybe three.”
“That’s not bad. So what are you interested in?”
“I’m looking for a left handed guitar; do you have any?”

Both Southerners respond instantly and in unison.
“NO!”
“It figures.”
“We might get a few in for Christmas, but they will cost you about double. They’re just not profitable.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been playing a righty upside down and I think I’m reaching the limits of what my hand can do, chordwise.”

Southerners give withering stares.
“You’d have the same problem even if you had started and stayed on a lefty, young feller.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Dick Dale plays lefty upside down, and plays and hard and fast as he wants.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Hendrix was the same way.”

Yankee is slightly offended that they dare preach Hendrix to him, as if he were an unschooled dilettante. Yankee KNOWS Jimi was a lefty!
“Yeah, but some of the chords are so hard to reach upside down.”

Southern gents regard the Yankee with a curious mixture of pity and sympathy. Southerner by the register decides that the cold truth is more suited that false consolation.
“You just need to practice more. You play those chords 2,000 or 2,500 times, and you’ll be just fine.”
“I’ve been practicing.”

The Yankee wanted to hear that a change in paintbrushes will make a better artist. Yankee needs to go to a lefty guitar to make life easier on himself. Jumping from a simple C to D is painstaking and cumbersome.
“Two or three thousand times, that is what it’s gon’ take. You already got a guitar, what kind is it?”
“I have an electric Fender and a 12 string acoustic by Madeira, I think.”
“You want to buy a guitar that will make you throw out everything you’ve learned on the ones you’ve got. That would make us a little money, but it’s not a good move for you.”

The Southerners cut no slack, give no sympathy. But they are right, and remarkably forthright. I need to keep on fingering and chording. Dick Dale, Jimi, Paul McCartney, Albert King, Bobby Womack, Tommy Iommi, Kurt Cobain… dude? What man has done, man can do. Do the thing, and don’t look for the easy way out. You buy a lefty guitar and you’ll run into a wall there too, sooner or later. Guitar is not an easy instrument. It’s not supposed to be. You should’ve stuck to the piano and the trumpet. But no, you want to play everything. I bet that if you had the money, you’d buy a tuba.

Hmmm… maybe not a tuba, but a French horn would be nice.

“2000 times, eh?”
“That’s all it takes. You switch and you can bump it up to 4,000.”
“Okay, thanks for the advice. I’ll see you guys around.”
“Thanks for stopping by.”

If You Wait By the Phone, Inspiration Will Call...Eventually

2005-11-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

I wrote a new song today, on my guitar and not the piano. Because of this it sounds a little folksy, like Joni Mitchell or that song Let It Rise somewhat, but with some funk influence like Roger Troutman. If I had a wah wah or something it would sound like Isaac Hayes met Joe Sample. Maybe this is the excuse I needed to spend more money! I love it when a new idea comes to me. The words came about 2 hours after the music. It is deliberately unsophisticated. I just want people to think about God, not how witty this lyric was or how deep that one was. So, today's motto is: Keep it simple.

If

If He's been good to you clap your hands
If He showed you mercy stomp your feet
If He gave you anything
to show you that he cares
Then lift your voice and make this song complete

If He made a way for you then scream
If He sent a savior to redeem
If He took the broken parts
and put them back together
Let him know you'll worship him forever.

Key of G, Chord progression is simple I,IV,V
Conceived and Executed 11/02/05

Miserable

2005-10-28T12:42:00.000-04:00

I can’t be happy
So I won’t be happy.
My soul
won't sing,
won't cry,
won't fly.

My wings have been
crushed,
broken and torn-
So why even
Look to the sky?

I can't even die.

Conceived and Executed on October 28, 2005, a bright autumn day.

The Wall

2005-10-22T23:32:00.000-04:00

This is a poem I have written for two people I have never met, because they lost someone dear to them. Why? I think I have always been an empath. I suffer with those who suffer, I rejoice with those who rejoice.

I have fallen
from a great height
and I have landed
on my feet

I then climbed
Higher still
And fell again
Into the deep

I have cried
These bastard tears-
One by one
I watch them fall

Then I gather up
My Courage
And again
Ascend this wall.

Conceived and executed on 10/22/05

3 in the Moanin', Bout to be Zonin'

2005-10-17T03:18:00.000-04:00

This will be brief. I'm very tired. I've been doing work on Oracle databases for the last three hours. The three hours before that had me tearing apart computer operating systems and perusing the mysteries of process and thread scheduling. The three hours before that saw me deep into my Soc 300 book, this week's reading being about the rise of inter-ethnic violence in 'lesser developed' (i.e. Third World) countries. I could tell you something about that. I'm from a third world country and there was warfare just about everyday. I'm from West Philly. Bangladesh, Eritrea, and Lebanon don't have much on me.

That course sucks. It's so depressing. Actually, it's a good class, it's just the subject matter. Two weeks ago we were reading and talking about how widespread hunger is, and it just made we sick (with my fat American tail). In my ancestral homeland, people are thickening their porridge with sawdust because that one bowl will probably be the only one they get for the next few weeks. While I look in my pantry and my fridge and my deep freezer and my cabinets and see them bursting and overflowing, I still can't seem to find anything I feel like having. That's just stupid. It's good that I look outside of myself, so that I might look inside of myself, and find myself in need of change. I said,

It's good that I
look outside of myself,
outside my house,
my subdivision
my minivan
my import sedan

It's good that I look
beyond my country
once in a while

So that I can get a good look
at suffering I have never known
Suffering that breaks the hearts
of those who still have hearts

So that I might look
inside myself,
point my finger
at myself
and find myself
not so together after all
but to find myself
in need of change.

I find myself in need
of change.

Still earlier today I was in church, singing my heart out for the Lord, singing to set my soul free, singing because it is something new to me, and I love learning new things. But I got irritated by how lacking in excellence our choir as a whole is. I got irritated with how mechanical and contrived the services seem, and wondered what all of this is for.

I am hungry,
I am thirsty
My soul is parched,
aching
for meaning in my life.

I am not finding meaning in the places I thought I would. At least I have my family, my music, my friends, my writing, my eternally pragmatic optimism. I'm going to bed. Then I can add rest to that list.

Thank You, Toni (or "Packratting Pays")

2005-10-12T01:12:00.000-04:00

I was in my basement, which I have converted into a miniature lab/workbench area for the PC work I do for people (presumably far from the sticky paws of my children), and while sitting through a thorough reformatting/reinstallation procedure, I started reading through a stack of newspapers that I couldn't see to get rid of. I found an article in the October 26th, 2003 edition of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that I found rather encouraging.

It was a feature on Toni Morrison, ostensibly for the purpose of hyping her then-new book, Love. I must disclose (somewhat shamefully) that I have never completed a Toni Morrison work, not even the audiobook (Jazz) I borrowed from the library. I found her books difficult and cumbersome, and was unable to immerse myself in them. I'm surprised that I did not read them anyway, because generally I am such an book junkie that I even finish books that I could already tell 50 pages in were garbage. I mean, if I finished the stupendously bleepy Beeperless Remote, then surely I could slog through a Nobel Laureate. I can't explain this one, I really can't. I've read most of Eric Jerome Dickey's books, and although not impressed with the first, continued to punish myself through a slew of pathetic follow-ups. Anyway, I shouldn't be surprised that I don't understand aspects of myself, and in any case, it's a digression. I read this article on her (a very lengthy one) and esteemed her much more than I had before I began. She is also an inspiration. She didn't get her first work published until she was 39, and by the time she was 65, she had accumulated nearly every literary distinction possible, including the Nobel Prize for Literature.

This is impressive because in this day and age and society, if you don't follow the proscribed route to success, you are deemed a failure. I went to college on a full academic scholarship and didn't graduate. I don't think I put together two good semesters in the whole 4 years I was there. Thus, I was considered a failure by most, including myself. I had a child out of wedlock, which is nothing new in the Black community, but I still was considered a failure by many in society, in my church, in my own family on both sides. And who cares if we have one of the highest OOW rates, I personally was disappointed in myself. I am now thirty three years old, and redefining myself, redeeming my wasted years and potential. I don't have to hang my head in shame at my past and be bound to its implication. Toni Morrison is evidence that a person's best can burst forth late in life (if you can consider 39 late). Yes, maybe I should have had a Ph.D by the time I was 26 and been a millionaire at age 30. Maybe I should'v been and done a lot of things, but what's past is passed. I'm here, in this reality, and I still have gifts and contributions to make. So thank you Toni. Perhaps I will join you in that exclusive Laureate club, because like you, I have no desire to write these stupid and shallow caricatures of Black love and relationships. My metu neter (divine writing) is going to be hard for people to grasp, hard for them to get into, put impossible for them to ignore or belittle. I have no interest in maintaining the status quo. I am not into writing gangster fairy tales and bourgeois melodramas that have no transcendent value. I have been writing in a secret book, in longhand, for many cycles of the moon. I am not going to rush it. I am not writing for fame and fortune. I could really care less. Whether 39, 59, or 99, when it is ready, it shall speak for itself.

PS> I will get your books read right away, Sister Toni.

Yah, right

2005-10-08T00:29:00.000-04:00

I'm in a strange mood. I'm not depressed, not frustrated, not really angry. I don't really know how to describe it. I've got a lot of things going on right now and setting precedence is a problem. I am the type of person who likes to do many things at once, but most of these things demand singlemindedness. For example, my wife marvels at how I have books marked all over the hose. She's like, "How can you read seven books at a time without getting them confused?" I dunno. It's just the way I am. I am reading 15 books right now, which even to me seems ludicrous. I have a lot of work that came in this week, including an e-commerce website I am designing for this very nice lady, plus 4 classes that are kicking my butt already and it is only week 2. My house looks like it stayed out all night drinking, then came home and threw up, and to top it all off, I'm stuck on day 16 on Pikmin. I'm still a little furious about what happened at church last Wednesday, and I haven't written any new music or spent more than 10 minutes at an instrument all week. This sucks. Even this post is disheveled and semi-coherent. What is going on??? Pull yourself together man. It's almost one in the morning. You can get at least four things done on your "To-Do" list (if you would take the time out to write one. Think think think think think... what is the most important thing right now? What do you need to do first and foremost? ... Well, duh, I guess I'm already doing it. You need to write. You need to gird yourself and heft your weapons. Remember that scene in the Lord of the Rings where the King of Rohan has just come out of his funk, and Gandalf tells him, "you're fingers would remember their strength if they grasped your sword." His armor bearer, Gamling, looks on so reverentially when Theoden pulls his sword from its scabbard - I just love that scene. And when dude works that sword in his hands for a minute, all of the sudden he has clarity and knows what needs to be done. Yeah. I think that is me. And although I own many weapons of war, the one I seek now is my writing instrument. Yes. I feel power flowing from my fingers, no, from my soul through my fingers, onto this keyboard and into cyberspace. Yes, I know what must be done. I know what must be done. Yes. First I need some ice cream!

I am going to post the lyrics to a song I have been working on. The melody goes like this: Dum de dum do do dodo do dooooo da da dat dah da da dat dah... Here are the lyrics:

Forever

Those who trust in their riches shall fall
-fortunes are lost in an instant
But those who trust in the Lord our God
shall be established forever.
Those who trust in their own strength find
-this cruel world is just overwhelming
But those who lean on the strength of the Lord
shall be established forever.

For the race is not to the strong
Or the swift, or smart or brave
Only those who call on the name of the Lord
Can take comfort knowing in his arms they are safe

Those who trust in their own reasoning
often end up confused and astray
While those who put their fate in the hands of the Lord
Shall know peace that will not pass away
Those who trust in their emotions, I know
-these suffer greatest of all
For feelings are fickle, and subject to change
and you're left with no substance at all.

For the race is not to the strong
Or the swift, or smart or brave
Only those who call on the name of the Lord
Can take comfort knowing they will be saved.

I have finished my bowl of ice cream, now it's time to effect change!!

thinking... (because imitation is the sincerest form of flattery)

2005-10-01T00:20:00.000-04:00

thinking...

and thinking some more,

abt God
abt how awesome it is that he is mindful of me
abt how he hears me when i call
abt how wonderfully blessed i am
abt how woefully tortured i am
abt how my genius erupts in flashes
abt how my folly oozes with frustrating consistency
abt questions that may lead to unpleasant answers
abt answers that may lead to destructive and liberating actions
abt how beautiful my children are while they are sleeping
abt music
abt how simple harmonic resonances arranged just so can move me to tears
abt Coltrane
abt Nina
abt how good it feels to be loved
abt how things change as I grow older
abt how money has lost its luster
abt how easy it is becoming to say no to wasters of my time
abt my wife and her pains and sorrows
abt being proud of myself
abt things i've done that were shameful
abt not resting on my laurels
abt surging forth
abt being a conqueror
abt being a man
abt what manhood is not
abt comrades past and present
abt giving
abt praying for others
abt walking the walk
abt being invincible
abt leaving the world behind
abt deep waters
abt blackness
abt oneness
abt my left hand and the long scar
abt the pain that never fully goes away
abt going against the grain
abt fate
abt endurance and longsuffering
abt character
abt my mom and dad
abt writing
about tasks that need to be done

thinking

...and thinking some more

My Christian Oddyssey Pt. I

2005-09-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

I’ve been a Christian for most of my life. According to my mother, someone gave me a tract about Jesus when I was a young boy, definitely younger than 7, because we still living in New Jersey on Ft. Dix. I took the tract home and peppered my mother with all kinds of questions about God and Jesus, and again, according to her, I would not relent until she took us to church. I have no memory of this, but I have heard my mother tell the story some many times, it’s almost like I was really there. My mother had some questions about God and religion, and she was definitely a hell-raising skeptic. As she tells it, the preacher who spoke that day at the base chapel said that the Lord told him to preach on everything that my mother had questions about, and then actually proceeded to do. My mother took this as a sign that the Lord did indeed care about her, and the rest as they say, is history. I have been going to church ever since, sometimes feeling very close to God, sometimes feeling very aloof. That's a very vague statement to cover the next ten years, but who really has time to chronicle all their sins and virtues? Exactly. When I left home at age 17 (I graduated high school a semester early because I was just so miserable, then moved out to Philly to stay with my grandmother for a while), I really started to seek God out on my own, not in an organized setting where someone is interpreting the Bible for you. I was working at a bookstore out in Havertown, which is quite the commute, and also at one of the McDonalds’ out there, and so during my rides on the trains, trolleys, and buses, I began to read my Bible from cover to cover. I got a Revised Standard Version from the bookstore, and really tore through it. It was incredible, one of the best things I had ever done. I began to pray in my own voice, not just repeating the words and stylings of the church folk I had grown up around. I felt really close to God. I felt alive and vibrant like I had never known. It was better than being in love, and this is coming from a fool who was always falling in love.

Eventually it was time to return to Illinois and begin my studies at the U of I in Champaign-Urbana, also the place of my birth, as my parents met each other as students there a generation before. I began to drift away from God immediately and got caught up in girls, the Black Power student movement, and um… girls. It wasn’t long before my grades were falling and I was in danger of losing my scholarship (somehow I earned an academic full ride as a National Merit Scholar Finalist). So on the last day, I withdrew from all my classes (there was no way I was going to pass any of them) and moved down to Atlanta, where my mother had moved to after I had left home. I needed some time to get my head on straight. She had been telling me about this church she had been attending and was really learning a lot from. The name of this church was World Changer’s Ministries. It would indeed change my world.

To be continued…

Stop Wasting Time

2005-09-24T13:29:00.000-04:00

I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now

I'm gonna avoid the cliche
I'm gonna suspend my senses
I'm gonna delay my pleasure
I'm gonna close my body now

These are lyrics from the last 007 flick, Die Another Day. I was watching this movie a while back and when I heard this particular song, I was drawn to the string arrangement. The strings absolutely make the song. The bass line isn't too shabby, but I definitely love the strings. Anyway, although the lyrics are a little simplistic, I can find myself related to the mindset that is behind them. I have to go for mine, start implementing some things that I have known I must do for years, but was waiting for my season. I believe my season is now. I'm already doing a lot right now (running my own business, finishing my degree, writing new lyrics and music, being a parent and husband, singing in the choir and on the praise team, etc...) but I know there is more that needs to be done. There is more that needs to be done, and if I don't do it, it will not get done. No one else is blessed with my gifts in my proportions. This means that there are definitely people out there superior to me at every inidivudal gift I have, but in terms of the mix of my various talents and the ability to synthesize them into uses greater than the sum of their parts, I am unique. And so I must do what I am here to do even if I don't know how I am going to do it or why. I am feeling a pull from my inner spirit to stretch forth myself, like a butterfly that instinctively knows that now is the time to break out of this coccoon. I don't have anything to prove to anyone. If I were to die today, I will consider my life fruitful and wonderful and fulfilling. I am not undertaking this to make up for any feelings of inadequacy, or need for excitement, or bragging rights. I just feel compelled and driven, almost siezed by something, and so I am going to yield to it. I doubt the butterly has any inkling of how drastically different his/her life is going to be compared to when it was a caterpillar. I guess I'm about to find out.

Sing, my sword!

Bobbin' Along

2005-09-18T22:48:00.000-04:00

I state at the outset that this post has no predefined purpose. I don't know where I am going. I have no theme. I am writing just because I love to. Why do people bathe? To get clean, right? Well, maybe this is my equivalent. Why do people drink? To escape from a reality they don't particularly find edifying or meaningful? Okay, I think writing does that for me too. Whatever. I am sitting in my office listening to an old song of mine that I have revisited and updated. It is so funky I could just curse. When I wrote it years ago, it was just a track for rapping on. It had no chords or harmony of any kind, just a simple, hypnotic baseline, some snazzy understated drums, and an uninspired string arrangement. This baptised and born again version is too sublime for words. And when words are lacking, a poem must be nigh.

I wept and shed tears for those
whose prose
lacked energy and order
-any semblance of flow
whilst mine was divine,
defined by a mind so kind
and a soul much-maligned
yet refined
Again I say it is sublime

I don't know what that was. I don't rap anymore. This song is just... it is hard to explain it. Surely there are musicians and poets and lyricists and painters and other creative types who don't need me to explain it to them. For the rest of you, I'm sorry. Creating something, having something spring up inside of you and become alive without you even knowing what form it will take is probably the closest a mere mortal can get to being God. Before God was anything else to us, God was our Creator. Being endowed with this attribute is a blessing indeed!! I wish the whole world could feel this intoxicating, stupefying, unspeakable, undefinable-like-division-by-zero type of joy I feel right now. I'm going to go dance to the rhythm of my own soul now.

I've Got to Stop

2005-09-02T08:54:00.000-04:00

I had a research paper due last week. I knew about it all semester. Actually we're on the quarter system but... yeah. I gathered the sources I needed and then let them collect dust. The paper had to be 1500 - 2000 words. 59 minutes into the day it was due (12:59AM for those of you who either just got up or need to go to bed), I had zero words written. No cover page, no bibliography, nothing. I was predicatably nonchalant regarding this catastrophe in the making, while others in my position would have been slitting their wrists with butterknives in panic. Why so calm? I'll tell you.

Because I am a writer. And writers write. Since my youth I have won contests and awards for my compositions. As early as 7th grade I was regularly accused of plagiarism because my gems showed skill beyond my years. I used techniques my English teachers hadn't seen since grad school, and vocabulary that was sophisticated without being pretentious. I love to write. I know good writing when I read it. I know good writing when I create it. I love stumbling across a particularly well written passage, and just bathing in it. I love learning new words and phrases and adding new weapons to my literary arsenal (I can't believe it took me 30 years to stumble across syllepsis!), so that when I need to emote, my pen and paper, or my keyboard and word processor can translate my ugly and primitive and confused impulses into something orderly, insightful and beautiful. I am not going to fear any research paper put before me, because even though it is not a creative exercise, it is still writing, and it still affords me the opportunity to put my own stamp on even the dullest of subjects. This is why I can be down 10 pages in a 10 pages paper in crunch time and still be cool with it. I write. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not doing it for a living, but I think I've found the answer. I'll share that another day.

Anyway, this is how it went from there. I worked on it from 1AM (Saying, "alright, that's enough goofing off, let's get down to business.") until 3AM, putting together the concept of the paper, looking through these books for quotes to support my position. I then went to bed, after maybe 300 disjointed words, and dreamt of Karl Marx and Adam Smith. I dreamt that I was sitting in an old rocking chair knitting, not a sock or a sweater, but a research paper. I can't knit, but I've seen my Nonny do it. She sits in her chair, with a basket full of different colored balls of yarn. She weaves them together into something I don't see a pattern or instructions for, just something she was in her mind's eye. I envision that all the words I need are at my feet in a basket and while humming an old tune a paper writes itself in my hands. I got up at 6 and began my day. Got my kids up and out the door, went to handle my business, and by 3 in the afternoon, I was back home. I wanted to take a nap, but I had to have this thing emailed to my professor before midnight, and I knew I could easily snooze until 9. So I stayed up and worked on it. Worked through my kids' constant interruption. Worked through people calling, asking me if I want to join a jam session or go hoop. Just knockin it out, organically. I grew my paper from a seed, an idea, like one of those fast growing watermelons in the cartoons. I don't build the paper or construct a paper, I grow the paper. By 9PM it is done. I polish it and play with it, tweak it and freak it, and at 11:53, I submit. Instead of collapsing in exultation (or exhaustion), I go play my Gamecube for maybe an hour.

Last night, I got an email from my professor. The grades for the research papers are in!! I go to login to the site where she posted the results (with her comments). The paper is 20% of our grade. I tense slightly. I have a 98.57% in the class, so I have nothing to fear -even if she hates my paper, how much can it bring me down? Relax, boy. There it is. 100%!!!!!!!!!!! Now is the time for exultation. Here are her comments:

"The paper contains skillful analysis of the work of two thinkers and is well researched. The paper has very clear structure and supports your main argument with illustrative examples and meaningful historical parallels. Well done! "

Ha ha, sweeeeeet!!! But I've gotta stop working like this. I could have written an even better paper had I disciplined myself a little more. I fear that success has made me a little lazy, and doesn't give me much incentive to change the way I approach my studies. I have heard that it's better to be lucky than good... but what about those who are both?

Things Fall Apart

2005-08-31T14:31:00.000-04:00

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

-- William Butler Yeats

Though many miles and a few states away from hurricane Katrina, I have seen her portents and stood in silent wonder. Mostly at the clouds. The clouds are so dark, so full, so foreboding. It's not even imaginative to compare myself to them --it's so obvious and pedestrian that I immediately reject them outright. I disdain and dismiss the metaphors as they came to my mind and my hands. They will not be legitimized here, I am a better writer than that. But yes, the clouds. There has also been something on the wind, in the breeze, especially at twilight, it seems. You could tell something of great magnitude was about to happen, somewhere.

That is where the more sophisticated metphors and similes presented themselves, but not always being at my most attentive or vigilant, I did not recognize them for what they were, nor did I understand what they were trying to tell me. Yes, Katrina did tremendous damage in New Orleans. I was stationed there years ago and had to evac to Memphis to get out of harm's way. But silly me, the true storm is right here on your own doorstep, in your own yard, in your own home. I am about to go through the wringer, perhaps lose all of my possessions, my friends, my family, perhaps my life. If I do not live to see 35, so be it. I will not meet my appointed end in a state of hysteria or frenzy. If my life is the Titanic, I'm probably going to be like one of those fools who died playing their instruments, trying to calm the others (and themselves) in the carnage. I cannot go into detail right now, but it looks like things are definitely falling apart. The center is not holding. And there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it. If I do survive this, I do have a couplet from Octavia Butler to give me a little hope.

In order to rise from its ashes
A phoenix first must burn.

We're not Worthy!!!

2005-08-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

Last night capped a frantic effort to finish up that research paper that should have been done well in advance. One of the hidden gems in this project was stumbling across John von Neumann. Man, what a revelation. That dude was a true genius. You see people throwing that word around alot, but if I have ever seen someone who truly deserved the title, it was him. I had only heard his name once before, in a song by Canibus (so much for rap not being educational). The song was called "Chaos" off of the 2000 BC album, and the line was:

I’m like einstein,
A hundred and fifty times magnified
Nikola Tesla , John von Neumann
All wrapped up in the body in one human

I was like, okay so we're supposed to believe you're really smart. And there were plenty of very clever lyrics on the album, but I never checked this reference. Well, now I have met Mr. von Neumann, and boy was I impressed. I'm not going to type in all that I read, but check out some of these links here, here, and here. The talents of people are sometimes amazing. And doesn't history show that for the most part, you're either born with it, or you're not? This guy's achievements have inspired me to make the most of my many talents.

Apples of Gold in Settings of Silver

2005-08-28T01:25:00.000-04:00

I have a research paper that has been consuming my time lately, and while buried in a book, I found a remarkable quote. The foci of my study are Karl Marx and Adam Smith, but the quote was used in reference to Marx, who inasmuch as I have seen, was far keener than Smith -and Smith was no slouch. Anyway, I was pondering the weight of the quotation, how it could apply to a number of people: Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, Kwame Nkrumah, the list goes on and on. It makes me nod in agreement to the wisdom of King Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes -everything indeed is futile. Here goes:

He that has a Gospel
To loose upon Mankind
Though he serve it utterly-
Body, soul and mind-
Though he go to Calvary
Daily for its gain-
It is his Disciple
Shall make his labour vain.

--Kipling

An Old Couplet

2005-08-27T01:41:00.000-04:00

This is one I wrote many years ago, and man, is it potent or what?

Life is a shame
When the choices you've made
Save you from ruin
Then ruin you anyway.

Late is the Hour of the Night

2005-08-06T01:54:00.000-04:00

And if I must be up this late, why am I not studying? Why am I writing a blog no one will read? Why am I not playing Soul Calibur or Tekken or even Starcraft. Why am I not writing new music or practicing my scales or reading my Bible or learning the meaning of life. Instead of these things (and countless other possible activities), I am introspecting, a word I just made up specifically for this occasion. I just turned 33 a few days ago, and I've been thinking. I remember when I was 27, 23, 19, 15, 9. Things have changed so much for me. I've been thinking about where I've been and where I am and where I need to be, and how I need to get there and how to be patient in the meantime. I've been thinking about some of the horrible things I've done in the past, the lies I have told, the things I have stolen, the hearts I have shattered. I've been thinking about the good things I've done, like consoling the weak and weary, helping people with flat tires and bad luck and impossible deadlines and weird conundrums. I've been thinking about everything I am learning about this quarter. I've been thinking that I really do enjoy teaching. I have been thinking about roles and socialization and the impact of gender and race and nationality on my life and outlook. I've been thinking about the suffering of the world. In my Humanities class I have been thinking that we have been going around and round on these issues forever, and no progress is being made. I have been thinking about Karl Marx and Voltaire and Jonathan Swift and Charles Dickens and Walt Whitman and Richard Wagner and Ludwig von Beethoven and Frans Liszt. I've been thinking about Capablanca and Alekhine and Morphy and Lasker. I have fancied myself a romantic, but then thinking, no, you're more of a Neo-Classical kind of fellow, always searching for the aesthetic and philosophical ideal. I think that I think too much sometimes. I think, ergo, I am. And if I am, I must... do what? The first thing to come to my mind is "Dominate" but it that really me thinking? Or is that the resultant of the photons of my soul being bombarded by the myriad forces in my proximity. Must ... must know, must do, must do well and do right. Must make a difference. And if making a difference means that millions may die so that billions might live in right relationship to our Creator... what was that? Where did that thought come from? Late is the hour of the night, and I must continue my thinking in the reality fugue of sleep.

YES!!!!

2005-07-27T15:40:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on top of the world. Why? Because I JAMMED on my CIS265 Midterm Exam, scoring all 600 points possible plus the 50 extra credit point for going the extra mile? No, rather because I smite my enemies all, from dawn til dusk. I played some of my best chess of the year last night. Pity my poor victims. One guy had 2 queens on the board against little old me, and he still could not stave off mate. I'm telling you, winning is not enough to get me this excited. It's the quality of the victories. Sacrifices galore, long range strategic planning, tactical virtuosity, superlative defensive countermeasures... it's just so sweeeeeeet!! In my last 15 games, I am 13-2. Phenomenal. I have to publish some of these games.

Another good thing that has me feeling good is my rendtion of the Beatles' Eleanor Rigby. I have loved that melody ever since I first laid ear upon it. Lots of people appreciate it, judging from the wide range of people who have done covers of it. Well, I was listening to some Stanley Jordan the other day, and thought to myself, surely I can figure out the melody and sequence it on my keyboard. In less than 10 minutes I had it, and threw together some drums underneath the piano, some drums that I am very fond of. I experimented with hip more techno/hiphop drums, where the snare is just... you know. But that didn't seem right for this song, so I went through my drum kits and found something similar to how drums sounded in the late 70's. The final stroke was to get out the bass and just fiddle around until I found a groove I liked. Mine were not too good, so I went and played Ray Charles' cover of the song and thought his bass guy did a fabulous job, so I just kinda bit his (imitation is the most sincere form of flattery). I love that way it sounds. I then played around with chords, and came up with a structure I liked. I am going to write some new lyrics to that baby. "All that you've accomplished, you realize it was in vain" Oh my. I might add some strings and brass, and definitely I am giving myself guitar and piano solos. There are few joys like music. And chess.

America the Blessed?

2005-07-05T17:57:00.000-04:00

Why is it that every July preachers want tie together God and America. I sat through the standard "America is great because God has blessed her" spiel this past Sunday and could not stop my agile mind from racing. Did God bless America from the beginning? Is America blessed now? Does God love Americans more than the rest of the world? Was it God's will that the Indian be exterminated like the Philistines and the Africans enslaved like the children of Ham? What kind of God would look at America and say, "Yes, I'm very pleased with you!" I'm just full of amazement at what people are willing to believe.

But don't get me wrong, I am not someone who hates America. You know how these conservative lackeys claim that liberals hate America? Well, I am not a liberal, and I am not an America-hater. But I am not going to pretend not to see what I see, and I'm not going to gloss over aspects that I don't like. I have served my country in uniform with much sacrifice and hard work. Not many demonstrate their love like that. Their love is just good feelings -warm fuzzies they get over seeing themselves living better than about 80% of the rest of the globe. Who wouldn't get off on that? But is it love? Maybe its the love a guy has for a girl in the beginning of the relationship. She can do no wrong, she is perfect in all her ways. Contrast that with people who have been together a while. The guy love the lady more than ever but is aware of every fault and foible. Some he can deal with, others he prays that she would change. But some would tell you that any dissatisfaction or critiquing is evidence of hatred, not love. Riiight.

America has been good to me. I live in a nice house, have two nice cars, have fairly good health, access to education, and a goodly amount of personal freedom. But what does God have to do with that? If I lived in a hut somewhere in the Andes, would I be any less loved by God? If I lived in some shack in Africa and I didn't have enough to eat, am I any less His child? What if I am homeless right here in the good ol' US of A? Why do people make the leap in thought that if you are doing well (or even just 'alright'), then and only then are you blessed. My Bible says that "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." So preachers everywhere, stop trying to argue that we are blessed because we are American citizens. Or more accurately, that we are more blessed than the rest. We aren't. Our position of global dominance isn't due to America's streling righteousness either, any more than the Roman Empires was. You cannot honestly make such statements, they are patently false. God works in mysterious ways. He had Daniel serving in a pagan kingdom, but I doubt Brother Dan walked around talked about how blessed he was to be a Babylonian, how much God must love these idolworshipping heathens to give them so much power. Yet some here do the exact thing. America is NOT a Christian nation. It never was. It has always contained professing Christians, but that is a different argument entirely. This is as anti-Yahweh a nation as any the Jews ever encountered (think of Egypt, Babylon, Rome). That is my beef, in a nutshelf, that I keep hearing preacher trying to make it seem like God is sporting Uncle Sam's blazer and top hat up in heaven.

Never EVER Leave Robert Horry Open

2005-06-20T01:17:00.000-04:00

I can't believe how foolish the Pistons were. They clawed their way back into Game 5 when San Antonio reverted back to careless and sloppy play, only to lose it by violating the most obvious of dictums: Never leave Robert Horry unguarded when the game is on the line. Ask any Sacramento fan, they'll tell you. They will say that if they had only kept a man on him, kept a hand in his face, their fortunes would have been vastly different. I have to say it again, you cannot leave a guy like him open.

I picked San Antonio to win it all this season, and I am standing by that. They are just a little bit better than the Pistons in every way. Pistons play great D, Spurs play it even better. Pistons are okay on offense, the Spurs can put up points in a hurry. The only area in which Detroit is superior is in their free throws. But the troubling thing is, the Spurs are inconsistent. They remind me of myself in that they are capable of excellence, but they don't sustain that excellence for long stretches. Games 3 and 4 were ugly. They never turn over the ball as much as they did in those games. Just like when I am playing chess. Sometimes I am in the zone and I avoid all the opponent's traps and bring off my strategies and tactics without anyone being able to do anything about it. And then there are times, I tell you, I just revert to the old days where I just walk right into the obvious, give away knights and bishops like they are candy, fail to execute a plan, and generally play like a patzer. Of course, after a spell, I return to my sharp play, but I hate that tendency in San Antonio as much as I hate it in myself. They are a great team, but they definitely have room for improvement. And Detroit should have known it, should have seen it coming. Like these clowns who think that they own me because they won the last few games (when really they didn't win, I just lost), Detroit got the sinking feeling a man gets when he's kicked in the jewels when San Antonio finally woke up. I was playing a guy and he beat me like a rented mule until I got my head in the game. After that I couldn't lose. I gave away queens and rooks with a lavish hand and still won brilliantly. That's how you have to do it. I respect people who are consistently excellent, but I know myself well enough to know that my best comes in fits and starts, flashes and spurts. Opponents should keep a wary eye of people and teams like that, because you never know when the torrent will fall.

What in the World is Wrong with the NBA???

2005-06-17T03:42:00.000-04:00

These Finals are really bothering me. In each game, at least one team has failed to bring it for the whole 48 minutes. I can't even watch. San Antonio is playing like I have never seen them play before. I am starting to wonder if these finals really are fixed. If they aren't fixed then they are definitely ...stage managed? I don't know what, but something is fishy. This should be the Spurs attempting to three-peat and they look like a bunch of ringers at the Y. Makes no sense at all. Mt church squad could beat either of these teams on a given night. This is genuinely disappointing.

From Glory to Glory

2005-06-16T02:24:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on top of the world!! The quarter is over, and I earned a solid slate of A's to add to my precious collection. I have two weeks off before I dive back in, and I am gaining confidence by the day. I just finished stomping a hole in some fool's backside (I'm talking about chess), which had the fortunate side effect of bringing my Lightning rating to a respectable 1930. I think 48 hours ago it has mired in the 1700's.I was playing a guy with an expert rating (that is above 2000) and I lost the first game because I was intimidated by his rating. He accepted a rematch and I won. Another rematch, and another win. I am unsure of the total games played, but I did well. Life is good. I ought to go to bed, but I hadn't written in a while and wanted to just shake off the rust. I also have written some new music, which is always a thrill for me. I am toying with some lyrics to go with it, but just the instrumental is fine with me. I also just finished building up two computers for my personal use. They are both very nice and loaded with power. I found a SATA HDD with 80 GB for $64, but it didn't format properly and wouldn't complete an installation, so I took it back to the store and found a 200 GB IDE for only $99. Is that 50 cents a gig? Sweeeeeet!! I remember driving up the East Coast looking for a 20 GB HDD for $120 about 5 years ago. If memory serves, I had a 6.4 GB baby and it was starting to fill up fast (Napster was all the rage back then); 20 gig was positively decadent back then. How the far the mighty have come. I have a terabyte easy now. Why am I technobabbling? Go to bed you old fool, it's almost 4 am.

From Strength to Strength

2005-04-06T23:40:00.000-04:00

The new quarter is underway. I am taking 4 classes (up from 3 last quarter), and they all seem to be very practical. I'm taking BUS 100 and ACC 100, and both should help me in my effort to turn my computer hobby into a viable business. I have learned a lot in just the first week. I'm also take a CIS class on relational databases, which, sadly, is definitely a black hole in my IT skillset. We did a little bit of DB in Java, but I have long since flushed it. Hopefully I will finally get some of my collections (books, mags, games, mp3s) flexibly cataloged for versatile sorting. Wouldn't that be grand?

My final course is English 320, with Dr. Hooper again. It is primarily focused on lengthy research. This should not be a problem for me. I had a few papers last quarter, and in every case I had to leave material out, rather than pad them to reach the minimum page limit. Thus most of my growth as a writer this quarter should be in the areas of being concise and being creative. I hate boilerplate. I have to be distinct. I must resonate. I am also attempting to write a commentary on the Bible. I get so much insight out of reading it, that it seems only natural to try and capture some of it.

I am enjoying my two guitars, although I am starting to get a little frustrated with my difficulty in chord progression. I had a lefty guitar, but it had horrible tone quality because of its cheapness, so I got rid of it and got my right handed Cherry Fender. I need to name her. I have already named my Bass "Dana". Anyway, chording is giving me a little challenge right now. Or maybe I just need to be patient. I am pleased that I have learned the chords and melody for one of my favorite praise songs "Better Is One Day". YES!!! I am the man! I would like to learn "God of Wonders", but looking at the sheet music, I might have better luck on the piano -the chording is incredibly complex. I am fighting the urge to go buy a $99 4-track recorder, now that I am truly becoming fairly proficient (a kind way of saying mediocre) or more than just the piano. I have penned two new songs in the last month. Is this a budding renaissance?

There is more to write about, but duty demands that I get some of my reading done. Peace.

It's Been a Minute, Huh?

2005-04-04T00:50:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to take care of business, battle with my own personal demons, deal with the grind of modern life, and remain sane. A tall order, so please forgive me if I seem to have everything but the sanity.

My first quarter back in college is over, and I am pleased to have earned all A's. It was no cakewalk. I learned a lot in every class, and I felt the genuine stress and pressure of collegiate life. I had forgotten how gruelling that was. The key observation was noting how my response has changed from when I was a boy. This is the way I should have been doing it all along.

In other news, I just paid off my first car note. She is actually mine now! She has seen some tough times, but she has hung in there. I hope she lasts long enough to pass her along to my eldest. She only has 66,000 miles on her. My first car, Grace, had far more, but was as trustworthy as a lad could ask. My last car, an old Corolla, died after 188,000 miles. So, I should be able to hang onto this baby and stay away from future car-indebtedness, right?

Who'da Thunk It?

2005-03-14T01:47:00.000-05:00

I miscalculated badly -foolishly. Now I have to scramble to recover. The situation is by no means lost, but it will require some truly inspired manuevering. My research paper that I thought was due next week is actually due in four days. Lord!! I have to get cracking. This was a long weekend. My son turned two, but had some kind of stomach bug that wouldn't let him keep anything down. I'm engrossed in about six different books right now, besides what I'm reading for scholarship. This may need to change. I am keeping all the plotlines and themes straight, but I wonder if I just need to be less versatile and more focused right now. Versatility is not a goal or ideal, but a mode to slip into and out of when the situation warrants it. Hmm.

The best book I am reading right now is Tom Clancy's The Sum of All Fears. I read (listened to, actually) an abridged version and found it to be excellent. The scope and complexity were just incredible. At this point, I am not capable of writing such a story, but then again, neither is Clancy himself. His recent works have been much maligned for their quality, but to be fair, brilliance is notoriously difficult to sustain over a long period. If I wrote one work like the one I'm about to spend a little time with before I retire for the night, I would be both pleased and grateful. Anyway, having read the unabridged, I was curious as to what was left out. Oi! If you have a love for a good story, and a mix of technical and poetic writing, this is your book. And now, what about that research paper?

It's an Exciting Time

2005-03-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

I have a short paper due tomorrow for my Humanities class. The smart thing to do would be to knock it out, and were I truly ambitious, tackle the other, longer reports lurking in the ether. However, I don't feel like writing, I feel like writing. I haven't written in over a week. That should bother someone like me... and it does. So here I am, delaying the inevitable by a half hour to 45 minutes. Nothing is new. Choir practice was very unusual yesterday. We prayed, then sang praise songs for a minute, then we had sister Carol bring the Word (Ps. 137). Carol touched on some themes that had also been on the mind of our beloved choir director, Pastor Taylor (his link here). This, in turn, drew observations and insights from various members of the choir and the band, including myself. Personally, being in the choir has added a dimension to my life that I greatly appreciate. I have always been an optimist (except when in the occasional funk), but now, I have really learned (and am still learning) how to worship God. One result of this is a deepening faith in God to carry me through this life, which only makes being optimistic that much easier. My optimism in years past was based in my supreme confidence in myself. It is now a supreme confidence in God. I can cast off my delusions of grandeur and see that my great successes and triumphs are trivial with respect to His achievements. I am a mighty hunter in the earth, but I am aware of my limitations and weaknesses. Old optimism forced me to downplay my weaknesses, pretend they did not exist; new optimism says that in my weaknesses are fabulous resources and that victory may yet be won. Isn't that something to be glad about?

Some of the other people seemed to feel like the choir (and they themselves) were hitting a wall, plateau-ing into a dull colorless routine (to coin a phrase). I couldn't disagree more. I am more alive than I have been in years. I have miles to travel, skills to learn, skills to refine, discipline to increase in... too many things to even think that I am levelling off. My flight plan and path says "Ascencion". It's an exciting time. I hope I am resonating this. I wrote a poem as I listened to people talk. I will type in up and post it soon. I will refine it over time, but I am going to just put it out there, maybe it will bless someone. In the meantime, I must get to my studies.

All is Futile

2005-02-28T14:44:00.000-05:00

This weekend I went to a renewal of vows ceremony and left with mixed feelings. On one hand, I see the need to do whatever it takes to strengthen a marriage, especially in these days of epidemic marital misery. Though on the other hand, I was left wondering what was the point. The couple who pledged their love anew to each other are good people, nice people. Like every other married couple I know beyond a perfunctory, surface level, they are grappling with some serious issues. I left wondering (morbidly) whether this wedding was all icing and no cake. Will things really change? Or will things revert to chaos as soon as the novelty wears off. I fear that I know the answer, and this knowledge brings me no joy. I think we are going to have to take more serious measures to save our marriages. Ugly measures. We are going to have to crucify and deny ourselves. We are going to have to humble ourselves and be willing to look like fools and punks. We are going to have to part company with a lot of our bad habits and thoughts. We are going to have to divest ourselves of the security in 'knowing' that we are always in the right, and that everything would be fine if they would just do things our way. If we don't start doing some seriously revolutionary activity, we are going to be doomed to misery, failure, divorce, depression, psychosis. How did I get this from this weekend's festivities? Oh, just trying to be observant and introspective.

High Praise Indeed!

2005-02-23T21:48:00.000-05:00

My English class is done for the night. My professor, the esteemed Dr. Hooper, handed back our midterm exams and our literary essays. I got A's on both. I also received a profound compliment. Dr. Hooper told me I was an excellent writer. How cool is that? I have been writing for many, many years, laboring in obscurity under the yoke of my own haphazardness. I have too many interests, and so all of them suffer. I have won writing contests, I have won poetry contests. I feel like I owe it to myself to write more -hence this blog. I am really honored that a Ph. D in letters would find my humble offerings to be excellent. The pedigree of the compliment is born on the standing of the one who declares it. Hot dog, I may just carry this thing to its appointed end! I have courage to continue on. In my 8th grade yearbook, a girl named Paula, who I believe was the only other Black person in the school's gifted English class, wrote "To a boy who can write his ASS off." I have known that I possessed the requisite tools, even as a young child, to be a good writer, but it never turned out like that. Life happened. In my junior year, my gifted English techer had me stand tall in front of the principal and explain how a poor Black boy could write such a staggeringly insightful literary criticism on Shakespeare's MacBeth. "I mean really -why don't you tell us where you copied this from so we can suspend you and go home." "Define the word 'macrocosm', if you can." This paper is too good too have come from you, that was the point. But I knew better, and I exonerated myself. I went of the U of I majoring in English, then abandoned it because of the rampant racism there and my own immaturity. Then, a long drought. Hmmm.

Years later, I am told that I have a gift (still). I feel my muse gently prodding, I hear destiny whispering. I grow intrigued with the possibilities.

Oh, this child

2005-02-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

What am I going to do with this handful? My mind is being stretched to its limits. I am confronted with situations I never considered, and I wonder whether I am handling them properly. I wonder if the situation is already lost. I wonder if I should bother doing anything. My eldest child was recently suspended for taking a pocketknife to school. Most of you can probably predict the progression of events, given that we are living in a post-Columbine era. She didn't attack anyone, didn't threaten anyone, but she was foolish enough to be caught with it, and that alone merits a suspension.

I am not upset with the school. I don't think my child got a raw deal. I think my child is very foolish, and like all the other fools out there (myself included), she should suffer the resultant consequences and learn from them. My bigger concern is with the foolishness itself, not the school's response. The bible says that "A youngster's heart is filled with foolishness, but discipline will drive it away." This is Proverbs 22:15, in case you are curious. Now, I believe in that verse. My mother believed in that versed. Unfortunately, though she tried mightily, she was unable to drive the foolishness out of me before I graduated high at 17. So spectacular was my resolve to do what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted, that I immediately left home at the first opportunity and ACTED A FOOL. 15 years later, at age 32, I still recognize some foolish areas in my life, but have nonetheless made great strides. My question is, is my daughter going to repeat this cycle? She already has her father's relative indifference to discipline. She doesn't like spankings, but they don't seem to be much of a deterrent anymore. If you yell at her long enough she breaks down and cries pitifully, but the behaviors are not being positively altered. I don't want to go another 8 years of talking to one ear and watching my words pass out the other side with no drop in voltage. Is this what I put my mother through? I really am concerned about my child. I want her to go further, and faster than her old man. I made many bad choices. But I have stayed in my children's lives, in part to try and guide them to a better end. With all the drama my firstborn is putting my spouse and me through, I just am feeling discouraged.

One of the worst things you can say to a child is, "You're just like your no good daddy!" Hey, I can freely admit that for my of my life, I was no good. Were I to list all of my transgressions here, the internet would probably crash trying to store it and transmit it. However, thanks to God, I have come a great long way, and don't do the things I used to do. I would much rather my child, whom I am loving through tears and heartache, emulate her father who is trying to be a good person, rather than the old me, who, although she never directly met him, seems to be nonetheless alive and well in her genetic code.

Finished my two midterm essays

2005-02-13T01:50:00.000-05:00

Talk about gruelling. Man, I'm almost driven to drink. I need to unwind before I turn in --if I go to bed now, I'll just lay there deep in thought, then end up cleaning or something because sleep will not come. I figured I'd write in this blog, but I really want to unwind with something LESS mental. Maybe I should fire up that GameCube. Hmm...

I could practice the bass for a little while. That shouldn't wake anyone up if I'm careful. Hmmm...

Superbowl Sunday

2005-02-07T00:18:00.000-05:00

A further attestation to my thrilling life...

My wife had to work Saturday night, so it fell to me to have the children ready for church. This was not as difficult as many fathers suppose, leading me to question what the rationale is for so many men being so hands-off with their own offspring. Our church has two services, and as part of the praise and worship ministry (the Voices of Life choir), I have to be present at both services, plus show up even earlier than that to pray and do some last minute preparation. The usual routine is to leave while everyone is still asleep, and my wife wakes up later and joins me at the second service. But with the seismic shifts our household is going through, this routine may not return for a while. Thankfully my kids are hardy and enthusiastic, they don't mind spending a little more time at church than normal, as long as they aren't hungry! So I was up late Sat. night studying while the kids were asleep, and knocked off around 3:30AM. I got up at 6:15 and got them up and cleaned and dressed and fed. My voice is not 100% due to my congestion, but I am committed to giving this my best effort. We sing through the first service some really nice songs. One song, Better is One Day, often makes me cry (how's THAT for being in touch with your feminine side). The chorus goes:

Better is one day in your courts
Better is one day in your house
Better is one day in your courts
Than thousands elsewhere.

I don't know what it is about that song. It conjures up a concept of a relationship so intimate that relative immortality is something worthy of sacrificing just for a limited amount of time with God. To me, that is truly profound. As I have sought to deepen my understanding of myself and my purpose, and walk closer with God, being in His presence is something I greatly desire now. The closest secular parallel that comes to mind is from the Lord of the Rings, where Arwen, the Elf princess chooses to give up immortality because the man she loves is a Human. Elves, for those not in the know, live forever unless killed in battle. She knows Aragorn will grow old and die, but she loves him so much, she wants to grow old and die with him. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.

Anyway, first service comes and goes, Pastor preaches a good sermon. He is wearing a Georgia Bulldogs jersey, because this is a casual Sunday, and most people are wearing sports jerseys. I don't really have the disposable capital to go out and buy an Eagles jersey, so I opt to wear something representing my Alma Mater, the University of Illinois. Cory, another tenor, is wearing a Perdue shirt. This causes some friendly jabs to be thrown. It's all good. My grandmother once worked at Perdue as a sorority house mother. Perdue is okay in my book, even if it is in Indiana. You know why? Because when I was there, I found a Garcia's Pizza near the campus. Garcia's is the finest pizza on the nine planets. I thought only U of I had it, but seeing that Perdue had it too, how bad could they be??? So we get through the service, and as we lead the praise and worship in the second service, the 11am, a strange thing happens. I am overcome with emotion while singing Ignite My Fire, Lord -to the point where my voice breaks and tears are streaming down my face. I was momentarily embarrassed -the whole church could see me. It is one thing to have an experience when you are in the pew, when everyone is doing their own thing and most likely not paying you any mind; this however, was something altogether different. I was on the stage and vulnerable for all to see. I didn't know what to make of it. Eventually, I realized that no one else mattered, and I just basked in God's love and mercy. He's been pretty good to an old dog like me. I wasted many years pursuing my own agenda, and I think that the words to Ignite My Fire, Lord just illuminated how much of a change I have gone through. I am living for him now!!! That is news good enough to bring tears to this cynical bastard's eyes. If anyone asked me what that was about, I'd tell them it was between me and God, but nobody asked. I just dwelt in that moment, and experienced something very special. I am not prone to religious ecstasy, thus my initial reaction. I was like, "What the heck is this? Why are you crying?" My mind didn't know what my spirit was up to. Truly amazing.

After the praise portion ended, I gathered my children and left. I grabbed some pizza some Little Caesar's, and fed them when we got home. My wife has home, asleep, and we all followed suit. We got home by about 1, and by 2, everyone was napping. I woke up at 4:30 and started to study for Humanities. I'll write about the Superbowl later.

Phase II Complete, Cold Caught

2005-02-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

I woke up sneezing, aching, all that good stuff. We had an ice storm last week, then the temp climbed to short-sleeves weather. Too much going on too fast, and now I'm a little ill. The last 6 weeks I worked for Siemens, I was sick and couldn't kick it, because I was always on the go and wouldn't let my body rest. It won't be the same story now. I am going to attack this cold vigorously, with fluids, rest, and chicken soup. What a concept. I see why some blogs are so boring -there's nothing exciting about this. Maybe I should switch gears.

Phase II of my home improvement project is done. I tapped into the phone wiring in my daughter's room and ran it down into the office. Now I can connect my fax machine!!! Did I mention that everytime I need to send a fax, I have to take it into the kitchen, where the nearest working jack is? I then have to lug it back to the office immediately, lest my son perform demolitions or surgery on it. This is fabulous!!! Thinking ahead, I ran Cat5 up to my daughter's room. I am not yet prepared to allow her to have internet access in her room, but I have been dissatisfied with the signal strength of the wireless network I have implemented. Downstairs it is very reliable, but since I gave Siemens their laptop back, the only wireless computers I have are upstairs in my bedroom. I don't know whether the range or the architectural obstructions are at the root of the problem, but I figure that I can add my print server router to the network and sit the wireless router in my daughter's room, and the closer proximity and straight line of site to my bedroom will give me better coverage. I haven't implemented this yet, but I am optimistic. Hmmm... that wasn't very exciting either. I guess that's why this is called Days in the Life. My life hasn't been exciting in a long time.

Phase One complete for 1st time homeowner

2005-02-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

Yes!! I was so excited as I walked out the door for class, I could hardly contain myself. I drove to class blasting an old tune I had written, just feeling exhilirated!! Why?? I successfully undertook the task of running Ethernet and coaxial cable wire through the walls and floors to compensate for the ineptitude of my homebuilder -and it worked!!!! A little background? Well, okay.

In my house there is a great family room that is the main room of the house. There is also a living room, in which people may also congregate, though it is a little smaller, has no fireplace, and lacks direct access to the kitchen. The usual option is to put French doors on the entrance to the living room -to close it off and call it an office. Indeed, most people who have a floor plan similar to mine go this route; however, the builder failed to put in a phone jack, or a cable jack. Before the house was built, I wanted it wired for Ethernet throughout the whole house, but they would not pick up the option. Anyway, how is someone going to effectively use a room as an office if there is no phone line? And high speed internet comes in either by phone or cable, right? So these profit-minded mercenaries gave me (and my fellow subdivision neighbors) a neutered office space.

Thus, I decided to take matters into my own hands and run the cabling myself, despite having never done it before. A guy I talked to named Kirk said that because I had a basement, I had a definite advantage. I could in theory, he postulated, drill down through the floor behind the wall and run cabling along the basement ceiling into any 1st level location I choose. "Okay," I mused, "I'll do it." I cut a large hole in my family room where the cable jack was. I measured from the jack to the fireplace wall, then applied that measurement in the basement, hoping this was not a foolish thing to do. I drilled up from the basement, and after much anxiety, I broke through. Using fish tape, I took an Ethernet cable, tied it to a length of coaxial, and fed it through the drilled out hole. On the first floor, I attached a coax signal splitter inside the wall, so that the coax I just ran could have an entry point in the cable data stream. The Ethernet cable is just taking up space for the moment. The router is in the office, so the only need for Ethernet in the family room is if I needed put in a computer there and needed net access , which is doubtful. Phase one is now complete. Now I just need a phone line in there.

It's Alive!!!

2005-01-31T13:48:00.000-05:00

I have successfully added blogging capability to my site. You the world will be driven insane by reading the contents of my unorthodox mind. I'll sit down in earnest later and begin to fill this thing end with all matters great and worthless. It's just so cool though!